There are actually a lot of reasons why some people aren’t fans of one-and-done relationships, says Rudi Rahbar, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples and families. But for most commitment-phobe guys, it comes down to their emotional maturity, their past relationship experiences, or even their parents’ relationship history.
To save you time, spare you from heartbreak, and preserve your sanity, we bring you sure signs you’re dating a dude who’s not planning to commit anytime soon.
Sign #1: Most of Your Time Together Is Spent Having Sex
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to tear each others clothes off all the time, if that’s the only thing he’s down to do, he’s not in this relationship for the long haul, says Claudia Six, Ph.D., sexologist, relationship coach, and author of Erotic Integrity: How to Be True to Yourself Sexually.
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When a guy wants to be with you and only you, he’s game for taking your dog for a walk or going hiking all day in addition to getting down. “If all you’re getting from him are late-night booty calls and last-minute Sunday plans when his friends are busy, this almost always means your time is limited,” she says.
Sign #2: You Don’t Know Much About His Past or Future
If where he works and grew up top the list of intimate things you know about a guy you’ve been dating for six months, that’s no good. “If you’re with a guy worth committing to, you should know his hopes and dreams, whether he wants to have kids, and what kinds of relationships he’s had in the past,” says Rahbar.
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The same goes for what he knows about you. If he hasn’t asked about your family, friends, goals, and aspirations for the future, or seems disinterested when you tell stories from your past, he could have trust issues that make him avoid serious relationships, Rahbar says. “When a guy wants to commit, he wants to know everything about you and share mostly everything about himself with you,” she says.
Sign #3: You Haven’t Met His Family
If a guy is ready for a serious relationship, he’ll want you to meet the people that are important to him—just as you want to introduce him to your family. If you’ve been together for nearly a year and he’s never brought up the idea of meeting his fam, it could mean that he doesn’t want to mesh his world and yours, says Nikki Martinez, Ph.D., Psy.D., a clinical psychologist couple’s counselor.
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Don’t be afraid to ask him about it, says Martinez. It’s possible that he’s embarrassed of his parents or doesn’t think you’d like them. You won’t know until you talk about it, says Rahbar.
Sign #4: He’s Not in a Hurry to Label Your Relationship
“Men who are ready for a long-term relationship feel like they have something to lose if they don’t make it official,” says Rahbar. “So if he’s really into you, calling you his girlfriend shouldn’t be an issue.” If you haven’t asked him whether he considers you his bae, do it and see how he responds, says Six. If he doesn’t want to define your relationship, you have to decide whether it’s worth staying, she says.
Sign #5: He’s a Serial Bachelor
If he’s in his early twenties and has never had a serious girlfriend before, it may not be a deal breaker, says Six. “But if he’s pushing 40 and has never been in a committed long-term relationship, don’t assume you’re the woman to change him for good.” Well, unless you’re Amal Clooney—obviously.
If he won’t look you in the eye when he tells you about his relationship history and doesn’t know whether he wants a family or not, it’s time to reassess whether this is a relationship you want to be in. Ultimately, you have to decide if his values align with yours, says Six.