healthmedicinet

Miscarriages are way more common than you’d glean from your Facebook newsfeed, filled with ultrasounds, baby photos, and updates on poopy diapers.

Out of every 10 women who get pregnant, one to two of them lose their babies to miscarriage, according to Planned Parenthood. Yet, unfortunately, the silence surrounding miscarriage can make the loss even more difficult for women to bear.

“For something that is so common, I really felt a sense of shame, like I had done something wrong,” says Shelly N., 30, who has had three miscarriages. (She just gave birth to her second baby!) “Miscarriage, in my opinion, is definitely not discussed as openly as it should be. But the more I talked about it, the less painful it was, and realizing that I wasn’t alone was very comforting.”

We asked five women whose happy pregnancies were cut short by miscarriages to share how the experience affected their hearts, bodies, and outlooks on getting pregnant in the future. Here’s what they had to say:

“Things like, ‘it just wasn’t meant to be,’ ‘there was probably something wrong with the baby,’ ‘you’ll have another baby,’ ‘the timing wasn’t right,’—I know people mean well, but these comments can really sting when you are mourning a loss and trying to find peace. There is really no good explanation in the heart and mind of a mother missing her child. I found it most helpful when people would say ‘I am so sorry’ or ‘I am praying for you.’ No need to try to explain why this happened or solve the problem; just the acknowledgement is helpful. While others are moving on with life, you are mourning, and with most miscarriages, there is no ceremony and it is hard to find closure. How long is long enough to think about it or cry about it? Do I tell people I miscarried when they ask when or if we plan to have children? When they ask how many children do I have, do I count miscarriages?” – Consuela P., of her two miscarriages. She now has two sons, one daughter, and is pregnant with a boy.

“Having a miscarriage takes all the joy out of being pregnant again. Each twinge and symptom requires an extensive Google search to be sure it isn’t the beginning of a miscarriage. I turned the light on every time I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night to be sure there was no blood for at least three months. After I started to feel the baby move and was past the point of all my previous losses, I started to worry less, but losing the baby was always in my mind.” – Shelly N., of her three miscarriages. She now has a son and baby daughter.

“Seeing the bright blue positive sign on the test floored me. I had been told from as early as 15 that I should not plan on getting pregnant because it most likely would never happen since I am 27 years old with type 2 diabetes and polycystic ovary syndrome. I even made my husband go out and pick up another test just to be sure. Unfortunately, by the time I took the second test, I had already started to have some spotting. Long story short, at the ob-gyn’s office, we could see the sac, but no fetal heartbeat. My head was spinning by the time I left her office. Soon after, the bleeding increased and I began to experience the worst pain that I’ve ever felt in my life. My husband stayed with me while I miscarried. My husband has been so amazingly supportive through all of this, but I still feel like I have let him down in some way. There is a part of me that is ashamed of having a miscarriage. I feel like, as a mother, I should have been able to somehow save our baby, to carry our baby to term. I live with that feeling every day.” – Keyonna B., of her miscarriage. She is currently working with an endocrinologist before trying again to conceive.

“I was so sickened waiting on my insurance to approve the DC. My belly was still growing and I still had morning/all-day sickness. I hated to look down at my belly in the shower or while getting dressed. I couldn’t look in a full-length mirror until the poor baby was out of me. Genetics testing showed it was a girl, so we’ve always called her Kamryn.” – Shelly H.F., of her third of four miscarriages. She now has two sons and a daughter.

“I went to my first checkup around nine weeks without a care in the world. My first pregnancy had been textbook perfect, and no part of me had even considered that I should be worried.  Even when they took me from one ultrasound machine to a high-tech one, and then from an abdominal ultrasound machine to an internal one, I still thought everything was okay. Until it wasn’t, and there was no heartbeat. I was completely blindsided. … One thing I guess I would tell other women is that there’s no reason you need to keep it a secret. I’ve found that, often, when you tell someone, they’ve been through it, too. It doesn’t necessarily help, but it’s nice to know you’re not alone.” – Natalie G.M., of her miscarriage. She now has one son.

RELATED: I Had a Miscarriage and Then Lost My Job. How I Found Strength in the Aftermath