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Trigger warning: This piece contains descriptions of child sexual abuse.

The Duggar family is no stranger to controversy. Headed up by Jim Bob, 49, and Michelle, 48, the clan of 21 has found infamy on their TLC show 19 Kids and Counting, which focuses on their strict adherence to the Independent Baptist sect of Christianity. Now, they’re in the news for a far more serious reason than the growing ranks of their brood. On May 21, In Touch Weekly released a police report that alleged that oldest son Josh molested five young girls as a teenager, allegedly including some of his sisters. Josh issued a statement admitting that he “acted inexcusably” as a young teenager. He went on to explain that he described his actions to his parents, who got him into a Christian counseling program that involved “physical work and counseling,” according to In Touch Weekly. “I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life,” said Josh.

Here, Rachel, a 32-year-old sexual abuse survivor from the Philadelphia area, explains what she wants everyone to know about assault in light of the controversy.

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My first and foremost thought when I hear about cases like this is that I feel very bad for the victims. I hope they got and are getting the help and support they need from family and friends. I also hope Josh got or is getting help now. His parents, too, because there can be a sense of guilt there for letting this happen in your own home. But as someone who was sexually abused by her brother, I wasn’t shocked.

It Started When I Was About 5 Years Old.
It began like a game with me being coaxed into my brother’s room (he’s seven years older than me). He performed oral sex on me, and he raped me. These are some of my earliest memories of him.

It happened repeatedly for quite some time. At first, I trusted him. I didn’t question him or what he was doing. Then, I started to have a sense of how wrong it was. I started to not want to do it. I would feel sick to my stomach and get sad and look at him like, “I don’t want to do this.” I remember every detail: the scratchy carpet, the light in the room shining on my face. I would look under the bed because it was darker so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I’d just wait until it was over. My body just went numb. I went to a different place and pretended I wasn’t there.

I don’t know what happened to instigate this exactly, but around when I was 7 years old, I remember sitting in school and thinking, “I have to say something. I can’t take this anymore. I have to tell somebody.” I didn’t sleep the whole night before I told my parents.

That morning, my parents were getting ready for work, and I went to them and said, “You know how sometimes you have sex? Sometimes, my brother does that with me.” My father immediately ran into my brother’s room and physically started hurting him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and smacking him around like, “What did you do?” He was freaking out and being protective of his little girl. My mom just kind of sat there and was pretty quiet, asking me, “Are you sure? What do you mean?” My brother denied it.

My parents told me they would talk to me about it, but we didn’t really. I’m not defending them, but they were a product of the times and their generation. You just did not talk about things like that. I didn’t tell anybody else for a very long time, like friends or other family members. I felt like it was subtly made perfectly clear to me that we didn’t talk about it and to move on.

They took me to a couple different psychiatrists. I remember sitting in one office with wood paneling all around. I don’t remember my parents being there, but I was uncomfortable because the male doctor touched me to ask, “Is there where he touched you?” I realized years later that was completely inappropriate.

Given the way it was handled when I did finally speak up, I convinced myself I was crazy, that it didn’t really happen, and that I was having sick, weird thoughts. I do remember trying to tell a girlfriend in middle school and her saying to me, “That’s disgusting, you shouldn’t say things like that.” I remember thinking, “Oh, god, something’s really wrong with me.”

Holding My Secret Was Such a Heavy Weight.
In my early twenties, I decided to seek therapy on my own. It was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. My therapist and I talked about details, and she told me, “You’re not crazy. A child can’t come up with this type of memory.” She helped me realize I’m a strong person emotionally and that I was really brave as a little girl to say, “Hey, something weird is happening that I don’t like. It needs to end.” She helped me realize I was very angry and it was eating away at me.

I confronted my parents and brother in my early twenties. I started with my mom and dad, saying, “Hey, I’m thinking of some weird things and remembering some stuff. Can you help me fill in the gaps?” They weren’t terribly helpful. When I brought it up as an adult, my parents weren’t mean about it, but I think they felt frustrated, like, “I thought we already dealt with this!”

Therapy helped me finally say to them, “I’m angry with you for the way you handled it and for letting this happen to me.” It was a rocky point in our relationship for a few years, but I needed to get angry and say it wasn’t okay and it’s still not okay. It helped me move forward and realize I’m a strong person and I can get through this.

Today, my relationship with my parents is much better. It doesn’t mean all is forgotten, but I embraced that anger and was able to let it go.

I also confronted my brother. I said to him, “I don’t want to be friends anymore. Don’t talk to me. You make me uncomfortable.” He didn’t apologize, but he clearly acknowledged what he did. People have asked me over the years if I think something happened to him that made him do that to me. I think that’s a perfectly viable option. I have no proof of that. But this happened to me, and I didn’t turn around and hurt someone else.

My brother isn’t welcome in my life, and I don’t participate in his. I do attend some family functions where he is, but we don’t really chat. I just prefer it that way. It took me a long time to be able to go to things where he would be and feel safe.

Is the Current Conversation Focused Too Much on Josh Duggar Instead of His Victims?
Yes and no. I’ll admit I haven’t been following the case very closely. Reading some of it did trigger some emotions and memories, but I’m a pretty well adjusted, emotionally healthy adult. I can compartmentalize and realize that the story isn’t about me, it’s about other people. I just feel like it’s not specifically my business. I pay attention to random updates, but I’m not following it.

With that said, I think the media tends to focus on the wrongdoer because they’re the ones they can name and point a finger at. With a victim or survivor—and I do appreciate this—I would hope sometimes you don’t see as much about them because the media is trying to protect them. I think the other part of the situation is all you have is what’s in front of you and who’s speaking out. You’re not hearing from the victims, and I don’t blame them. They’re often afraid of being judged or criticized.

I’m not terribly surprised by the whole situation. Back when it happened, you just didn’t talk about stuff like that. It’s still a taboo topic with families. It’s shameful. What do you do when one of your children hurts another?

If the Duggars Feel That Josh Is Rehabilitated, Great—as Long as He Doesn’t Hurt Anyone Else.
I’m not an expert, but I’ve read that there’s something wrong in the brains of pedophiles and people who do this. I think there should be some sort of conventional therapy on all sides, but my biased gut reaction is that people can’t be rehabilitated.

But really, it’s not my place to judge this family for what happened. My primary concern as a survivor is the victims. If the Duggars feel like Josh got better, it still doesn’t right the wrong. It doesn’t give those children back what was taken from them. That’s the tough part for me.

Even though I can’t speak for all victims and survivors, I do hope that if they read this, they see that someone else is willing to share their story and that it’s okay for them to share theirs, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or psychologist.

People Bring Up Forgiveness with Me—and This Is Something I Noticed in the Duggar Case.
If somebody can forgive that, good for you, that’s great. To me, it’s not about forgiveness. It’s about my brother taking something from me that I will never be able to get back. I was angry, but I moved past that and dealt with it. I need to take steps to make myself feel whole again and make myself feel better. If that includes removing my brother from my life, it’s not out of hate. It’s because I’m taking the power back. I’m taking control of the situation and saying, “I’m in charge. This is what I want, end of story.”

There are times I still feel the effects of it, not even just sexually, but in life. Sometimes things will make me angrier than they really should or more upset than they really should. Sometimes I wonder, “If he hadn’t done that to me, what kind of person would I be?” I don’t think it ever truly goes away.

I do some volunteer work with victims and survivors, and one of these groups asked us to write a letter to survivors that they could hand out. I want other survivors to know that you’re not alone. There are people out there willing to speak up for you, for us. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Tell yourself the following three things: It’s not your fault, you didn’t deserve it, and I believe you. Even though it may not feel this way in the moment, you’re a survivor. You’re alive, and you are strong. You’re going to have some tough days. Embrace them. That’s the only way to let the pain go.

I’m at a place in my life where I don’t have a problem talking about it. Not that it doesn’t upset me, but I don’t think we talk about this enough. It’s a terrible topic, but it’s terrible because we keep it a secret. It’s too heavy for the poor victims to bear. Let’s talk about it and make it less taboo.

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If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org, y en español: rainn.org/es.