HMN 2024: 4 Tips to Help Your Teens Talk During Gatherings

This article was co-written with leadership and communications consultant Amber Johnson, Ph.D.

How many times has this happened to you? You arrive at the door of an extended family member, hands full of gifts and food. There are the immediate hugs and kisses and greetings, and then the typical remarks to your teenage children:

• “Look how big you are!”
• “My goodness, how you’ve grown.”
• “How is school going?”

And then pleasantries finish, the adults turn to each other, and the teenagers slink off to the basement, or a couch in a den; they grab their phone or Xbox as entertainment. Not necessarily because they want to, but because they’re bored or because no one bothers to engage them.

Both of us are mothers of medium-sized children, and both of us have witnessed this ritual on repeat. Getting a good conversation going across generations feels like it would require a (unlikely) holiday miracle.

We all lose a lot when we don’t make these conversations happen. Adults lose the ability to be involved in the lives of their younger family members; that means they miss truly knowing their grandchildren or niblings as unique individuals just as the teen’s sense of identity is taking shape.

Teens lose the chance to strengthen bonds with extended family members. They may also feel excluded, making it harder to get their teens to the next family gathering or holiday. And everyone loses the sense of fun that cross-generational interaction can create.

Four tips to help teens truly talk with their extended family

As you head out to holiday gatherings over the coming week, you can help your teens be ready to truly connect with friends and family members by having an advanced conversation of your own.

1. Help your teens anticipate the questions they’ll be asked

Our kids often lament the predictable nature of questions they receive from adults. You know what they are likely to be in your family:

• What sport do you play?
• Got a job?
• Do you have a boyfriend yet?
• How old are you now?
• What colleges are you looking at?

Anticipating questions can help your teen be prepared. Instead of being caught off-guard, they’ll have an answer ready.

Naming what’s happening is a good place to start. On the drive over, you might say something like, “Grandpa never knows what to ask you, but I think he genuinely cares. So when he asks a really obvious question, it’s his way of trying to know you better. What kind of questions do you think he’ll ask? And how might you answer?”

2. Offer handles

When we answer a question, we can answer with “handles” that give the other person something to grab onto. Handles give the other person options for where the conversation can go next by offering them different topics to select.

Here’s an example:

Great Aunt: What’s your favorite subject at school?

Teenager: I have the most fun at lunch, honestly, because I get to sit with my friends. But in terms of subjects, I like science for the experiments and art because we’re doing collages.

In that response, the kid offered several handles; the great aunt could next ask about friends, science experiments, or what the teen is making with her art class collage.

3. Answer the question you want

Next, you can teach your teen to take a page from the politician’s playbook and answer the question you want to be asked. This is the basic lesson of media relations: The question that’s asked is an invitation for you to respond with what matters to you.

Let’s take the predictable question, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?”

Teens can dodge the awkward question by pivoting to answer a question they wish they’d been asked. For example, “That’s not my thing. Mostly, I just like playing video games with my friends.”

That response answered a question the teen was more comfortable with and offered the grandparent a handle or two that could lead to a follow-up question.

4. Ask questions back

Finally, now is a good time to remind your teen (and yourself) that conversation is a two-way street. One way to avoid awkward questions from an older friend or family member is to ask questions of them. If what you want is intergenerational relationships, then your kids need to get to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and family friends.

Returning questions is one way to do this. After answering a question about their favorite subject in school, your teen could ask, “What were your favorite subjects when you were my age?”

Another way to encourage your teens to ask more questions is to spark their curiosity by sharing bits of family history or humor. “Did you know Grandpa once put an outhouse on Main Street as a practical joke? You should ask him to share that story.”

Preparing grandparents to be better conversationalists

The responsibility shouldn’t just lie with teenagers to improve communication in their families. Because conversation is a two-way street, you can also prepare grandparents and other adults for how to have a good conversation with your kids.

Remember that most teenagers are not forthcoming with information, so you may need to work a little harder to get their response. Look for the handles they offer, and use follow-up questions to get a real conversation going. We polled our own kids for ideas and came up with:

• I like it when adults ask about what current events interest me.
• Once, my grandma asked me to show her my favorite TikToks, and we ended up watching videos together for almost an hour.
• I don’t love school so much, but I like it when adults ask me how I like to spend my free time—because then I can explain why I love Minecraft so much.

And one more bonus tip: Try doing a simple activity together to take the pressure off of filling every second with dialogue, like coloring pictures, decorating cookies, or washing dishes. Games that rely on nonsense questions can be fun entry points to real conversation as well and are a way to include younger kids in playful conversation.

This is about more than a merry holiday

If you read my other blogs, you know I (Kate) always find a gender angle—and there is one here, too.

It is hard for anyone to articulate feelings and experiences to someone they only see once or twice a year. Broadly speaking, cultural gender norms encourage girls to share their feelings and listen to the feelings of others, whereas boys are excused from meaningful dialogue. Subconsciously, friends, teachers, schools, activities, and coaches will have helped prepare girls for small talk—which means that it might be easier for girls to quickly pivot to polite holiday conversation than boys. It is up to us to counter social gender norms and directly and intentionally teach all our collective children these skills.

We want all children—regardless of gender identity—to know how to communicate with others effectively. We want all children to be curious of others, to be able to ask thoughtful questions, and to provide answers beyond “yes” and “no.” We want all children to grow up forming relationships and building community. The holidays are a great time to start.

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Amber Johnson, Ph.D., is a leadership and communications consultant and the author of the Better than Fine newsletter.