HMN 2024: The Surprising Sex Lives of the Oldest Old

Until this century, the conventional wisdom held that sex had an expiration date. After a certain age—65, 75, 85—sexuality supposedly faded away never to be experienced again. That view is slowly changing as the population grows older, especially the population of the oldest old, those over 85, now the fastest-growing age group. The oldest old now account for 10 percent of the population of an increasing number of countries. As the oldest old increase in number and visibility, researchers have taken more interest in their sexuality. Sex in very late life is much different from young people’s sex. After 85, people no longer need actual sex to feel sexually satisfied.

The Study

Swedish researchers used data from an ongoing survey of Sweden’s oldest old to survey 183 independent living super-seniors, with an average age of 88 and one-third over 90. The investigators asked: Have you been sexually active in the past 12 months? They defined “sexually active” as not only involving intercourse but also caressing and other forms of physical intimacy by yourself or with a partner.

The results:

• 12 percent said they’d been sexually active during the previous year—8 percent of the women, 19 percent of the men.

• 64 percent said they felt satisfied with their sex lives.

• One-third (35 percent) reported sex problems—29 percent of the women, 47 percent of the men.

• The women’s top problems: lack of pleasure during sex (14 percent), no partner (13 percent), lack of desire (13 percent), medical issues that impacted sex (4 percent), and a lack of privacy (3 percent).

• The men’s top problems: lack of pleasure during sex (30 percent), and medical issues (20 percent).

Note: In the U.S., a larger proportion of the elderly population reports medical issues that impair sex. Compared with Sweden, the U.S. healthcare system provides care to a smaller proportion of the population, especially low-income folks, and many elderly are among them.

Sexual Satisfaction Without Sex?

This study’s most striking finding: While only 12 percent said they were sexually active, 64 percent said they felt sexually satisfied. How is that possible? Can you feel sexually satisfied without having sex? Yes, you can.

Ask people What is sex? and most focus on certain physical acts, but an equally important element of sex is emotional intimacy, which means self-revelation and sharing with partners who you truly are. Emotional intimacy finds its expression largely through conversation. What does it mean to have a relationship? It means talking and sharing intimate conversations with your partner. Good relationships usually also involve affectionate touch: holding hands, foot and scalp massage, back rubs, and other types of pleasant but non-sexual caresses.

Now, many men value intimate discussions and affectionate touch, but compared with men, most women value them more. Women are also more likely to have strong social support networks.

In addition, because of gender differences in longevity, by late life, women substantially outnumber men. In this study, two-thirds of the participants were female, which skewed the results toward women’s experience of sexuality, one based more on emotional than physical intimacy.

The researchers observe that among the oldest old, sexual satisfaction often emerges not from physical sex, but rather from the intimacy and security provided by social-support relationships grounded in intimate conversations and affectionate touch. Among the oldest old, social support provides personal satisfaction that feels quite similar to sexual satisfaction. That’s why many of the oldest old said they experienced sexual satisfaction without actually having sex.