HMN 2025: 3 ways peak-end rules can distort relationships

that peak end rule First proposed by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, he found that people’s overall satisfaction with an experience can be overwhelmingly shaped by two factors: the most intense moments (good or bad) and how the experience ended.

For example, if your vacation was filled with unforgettable excitement and joy but ended on a bitter note, you may remember it as a less-than-perfect experience. Likewise, your happiest moments together in a relationship and how you parted ways may end up defining your overall perception of the relationship.

You probably remember the first time your partner expressed his love for you or that magical date where everything felt perfect. These emotional highs serve as important indicators in relationships. But if a relationship ends in unresolved conflict, betrayal, or hurt, despite the many happy and meaningful times spent together, the painful final moments can overshadow the positive memories, making the entire relationship feel less fulfilling.

Peaks and peaks are powerful, but they can sometimes distort the overall picture. It doesn’t necessarily reflect the depth of the relationship. This may have included many quieter, more stable moments that were meaningful but did not convey the same emotional intensity.

Here are three ways peak-end rules affect relationships:

1. Exaggerated memory

If a thrilling anniversary trip stands out as a highlight of your relationship but ended with a difficult conversation, your memories may overemphasize that painful ending and overlook the deeper emotional connection that was built in between.

This trend is supported by: research This suggests that when an event deviates from the expected structure, we are conditioned to recall the event as if it ended at a logical, predictable point.

According to a study published in 2023: Journal of Experimental Psychology, This can happen in two ways:

1. By filling in the missing information When an interruption occurs right before a critical moment
2. By omitting important details When an interruption occurs after a scene change

In both cases, memory distorts the order, focusing on what fits the typical structure of events rather than reflecting a holistic, nuanced experience. Simply put, our need for logical, predictable patterns prevents us from sifting through and preserving memories of the good times when they are disrupted by unsavory or unexpected moments.

2. Unrealistic expectations

In relationships, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of the best moments – early romances, honeymoons, memorable trips. These moments create a sense of well-being that sets the standard for future experiences.

This can lead to unrealistic expectations that every moment must be equally intense or nearly perfect. When reality sets in and your relationship inevitably moves into a quieter, more routine phase (whether that’s the rhythm of daily life, a personal challenge, or simply a change in emotional dynamics), you may feel a sense of disappointment.

But the truth is that relationships, like deep emotional connections, are not meant to be consistently thrilling. They evolve, and quiet moments are often just as important to long-term stability and growth.

3. Post-breakup prejudice

The post-breakup highs rule can greatly distort how we remember the relationship. If the ending is painful, dramatic, or full of unresolved issues, those final moments often dominate our memories, overshadowing many of the positive experiences that made up the bulk of the relationship.

These biases can create a distorted perception of the entire relationship, where positive moments like shared joy, laughter, and connection are minimized or forgotten, and painful endings are magnified.

As a result, it becomes difficult to see the relationship for what it is, and feelings of bitterness or disappointment increase. These distorted memories can make it difficult to achieve closure, impede emotional healing, and make moving forward difficult. When the last moment overshadows the entire experience, we miss the opportunity to reflect on the full emotional range of our relationship, which can be essential to understanding, letting go, and ultimately healing.

Although you can’t control the intensity of specific moments in your relationship or how it ends, there are ways to balance the highs rule and create a more holistic perspective on your romantic experience.

1. Focus on the journey, not just the destination. Instead of obsessing over the highs (unforgettable highs) or the ends (breakups or last moments), try to focus on the entire relationship. It may seem simple, but it requires intentional effort. After all, how much meaningful change comes without challenge? Look back on steady moments like the laughter you shared, the daily acts of kindness, and the growth you both experienced. Even though they may not feel as intense at the moment, these moments create the foundation for long-lasting love.
2. Create a positive ending ritual. If you feel like your relationship is coming to an end, try to end it on a positive note. This could be an honest conversation about what you’ve learned from each other, a last shared experience, or simply a friendly parting. Mindful endings can help you frame your entire relationship in a positive light, reducing the emotional weight that endings typically carry.
3. Recreate your memories. Take some time to think about your relationship as a whole and practice reconstructing your memories. What did it teach you? What are some small moments that stand out as meaningful, even if not intense? By actively seeking out positive, everyday moments, you can change the way you remember your relationships.
4. Find balance in your new relationship. In a new relationship, maintain a balance of excitement and quiet moments. Don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner to continually meet the intensity of your initial dates or romantic gestures. The strongest relationships are often those based on trust, mutual understanding, and shared experiences that go beyond the highest standards.
5. Embrace the entire emotional spectrum. Acknowledge that both peaks and ends are part of the larger emotional spectrum of love. Even if a relationship ends painfully, it doesn’t invalidate the love and connection that existed during the good times. no way 2020 study published in Cognitive therapy and research This suggests that viewing past positive emotions with optimism may improve mental health. People who overestimated positive emotions rather than focused on negative ones reported better well-being, fewer depressive symptoms, and greater resilience. Allowing yourself to embrace both the highs and lows of your emotions can promote healing and emotional growth.

The peak rule reminds us that while our brains like intensity and closure, these are only pieces of the puzzle. The best relationships aren’t just defined by special moments or endings, they’re about the moments in between, the routines, the joys, the disagreements, and the growth.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.