HMN 2025: In a toxic relationship, do you “let them do it” or do you listen?

The new year is an important time to consider how to navigate difficult relationships. The current buzzword trending on social media is the catchphrase of Mel Robbins, podcaster and author of: Let Them Theory. This idea encourages people struggling in toxic relationships to allow their enemies to do whatever they want.

Here’s a sample of how Robbins summarizes his theory in a blog post on the topic:

“Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you.
Let them ‘get it right’.
Don’t let them like you.
Don’t let them tell you…
Kindly step aside and ‘let them go…’ ‘
“Let me go.”

Should we “allow them”?

Robbins has clearly come up with a catchy (if reductive) phrase that offers the prospect of comfort to those who have been hurt and rejected. This is consistent with another current trend: family alienation.

“Although there is relatively little data on this topic,” Anna Russell reports: New Yorker, Anecdotal evidence suggests that “the number of young people cutting off their parents is increasing. “Others think we’re becoming more transparent about it.” The reason this marginalization is increasing, she says, is because “concepts of what constitutes harmful, offensive, traumatizing or neglectful behavior are changing.”

Of course, some relationships aren’t worth maintaining. If a relationship is chronically rude, toxic, or painful, it may be best to “let them go.” But there are dangers in flatly ignoring or giving up on a relationship when problems arise.

Consider the counterintuitive, yet fundamental and potentially transformative truth of conflict. This may be an opportunity for growth. Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship and can be very unsettling.

But conflict can give us insight into ourselves and raise fundamental questions. Why do I feel so strongly about this issue? Conflicts can highlight issues that need to be addressed, not only in relationships but also in ourselves. Follow-up discussions can be a pathway to greater intimacy.

What if you listened instead?

Dr. Donna Hicks, a fellow at Harvard University’s Weatherhead Center for International Affairs, has worked as a third-party facilitator in some of the world’s most intractable conflicts. Drawing on her experience mediating international disputes, she created a communication model that applies to families as well as nations.

In her book Dignity: An essential role in conflict resolution; She explains her approach, which aims to rebuild relationships by demanding mutual respect for human dignity.

She explains that dignity gives each of us unique worth and worth. When an individual is denied their dignity, they feel insignificant and meaningless. They feel indignant, even outraged, because they feel unseen and unheard. They ask questions like: How can you treat me like this? Don’t you know that we are human? Can’t you see that we are suffering?

Dr. Hicks then outlines the four steps required to begin the dispute resolution process.

• Please sit together.
• Listen to each other’s stories without interrupting or challenging them. Listen and seek understanding. (All experts agree that true listening, where one person truly accepts what the other is saying, is critical to reconciliation.)
• Acknowledge and recognize what the other person has been through. (When each party hears the other’s experiences, neither party can dehumanize the other or exclude him or her from the moral community.)
• Respect and acknowledge each other’s authenticity, and in doing so, create a mutual bond.

For this process to be successful, Dr. Hicks says, the 10 essential elements of dignity must be respected. She lists the following as essential:

1. Identity Recognition: Accept others as their true selves without fear of judgment, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, class, sexual orientation, age, or disability. Any or all of these characteristics may be central to your personal identity.
2. include: Make others feel like they belong to a family, community, organization or country.
3. safety: Make sure people feel safe from physical harm, humiliation, and retaliation.
4. approval: Listen, listen, and validate the other person’s feelings and experiences.
5. recognize: Validate the contributions, talents, efforts, and compassion of others.
6. equity: Treat people fairly and equitably.
7. Benefit of the doubt: It is assumed that people have good motives and are trustworthy.
8. Understand: Allow others It’s about explaining and expressing yourself while actively listening to yourself.
9. independence: It gives people hope and a sense of control by encouraging them to take action themselves.
10. responsibility: Take responsibility for your actions, apologize when necessary and change your behavior.

It’s important to remember that following the Hicks Dignity Model ultimately requires acknowledging shame and talking about it. Typically, people tend to deny shame rather than discuss it, explains Dr. Hicks.

In Dr. Hicks’ experience, the Dignity Model shows that truth is bigger than individual stories. Both parties calling for change are part of a larger dysfunction. “The biggest lesson I learned from these encounters is that vulnerability is where power lies,” Dr. Hicks wrote. “Magic happens when we reveal the truth to ourselves and others, and are ultimately set free by that truth. When we respect the dignity of others, our own dignity is strengthened.”

In my opinion, “Let Them” offers none of this magic. Ignoring someone else’s offensive words or actions without taking responsibility, exploring, or resolving them will only solve the problem. The resulting “peace” may be temporarily comfortable, but it may also be inauthentic and ultimately unsatisfying.

In fact, some situations cannot be fixed. But ‘Let Them’ decided not to even try.