HMN 2025: What is it like to have an intense, demanding, attentive baby?

You have to say this first every Parents work really hard and basically parenting is incredibly difficult. But in addition to the usual level of difficulty, raising an intense, reactive, sensitive, persistent, and non-sleeping child requires much greater parenting skills and expenditure of energy. These are the babies who are called “fussy” or “fussy.” . . “wisp.” They demand more from their parents over more hours of the day and night. There are no breaks or quiet moments to enjoy the experience.

Approximately 10-15% of parents (Thomas & Chess, 1977) very Another trip. In a large-scale parent survey on temperament that I conducted, I asked parents to describe their experiences. The words most often spoken by parents of easy children were ‘fun’, ‘easy’, and ‘fun’. Neither parent of an intense child used the words “easy” or “fun.” Recently, I asked members of a large Facebook group I run called the Fussy Baby Site Support group what they thought people didn’t know about their experiences as parents of difficult and intense babies and toddlers. Here’s what they wanted you to know:

all It’s so intense. Many of these babies begin with colic (inconsolable crying for weeks), feeding problems, and silent reflux. For the primary caregiver, the day becomes an endless cycle of crying, nursing, problem solving, cuddling, and rolling over to sleep.

With these children, the cries get louder and the emotions get louder. They are more active. They want more interaction. They simply don’t play alone.

“I wish people knew how,” said one group member. extreme Everything is there. I had a friend who heard her daughter cry and said she had never heard her cry so loudly. Her daughter wasn’t the type of child to sit still and keep moving or doing things like me. I realized how different my daughter was from other children. And I love her to death, but it could be a lot.”

Nothing works. Parents are often quick to discover that expert advice in baby care manuals and sleep books doesn’t match their own experience. Often the promises made in books bear no resemblance to what actually happens. For example, parents will read in sleep training books that children can cry for 30 to 45 minutes the first night. When it approaches 4 hours without sleep, parents wonder what they are doing wrong and give up on that method and try a different method, hoping for a different result.

A group member wrote: “Another mom said, ‘We didn’t do anything. He started sleeping through the night.’ Meanwhile, me: I’ve read three books on sleep, read every sleep podcast I can, taken two sleep classes, done everything on earth, and still no results. “At this point, I was able to get a PhD in baby sleep.”

Parenting books are generally written about temperamentally ‘easy’ children. As a result, parents of intense children are trying to use strategies that were not written for them.

Worry and guilt. Concerns vary depending on the area of ??parenting, but parents of intense and demanding babies are constantly looking for reasons for their baby’s extreme temperament. Is it a stomach ache? reflux? Milk allergy? Or is it me? did me What is the cause? Is it my parenting? As parents, they don’t get many clear signs that they are doing things right or on the right track. So the only logical culprits are them. In the same parent survey, I found that parents of enthusiastic children rated their own abilities much lower than parents of easy-going children. Not only did these parents work incredibly hard, but they believed they were doing a bad job.

Criticism and judgment. Parents of difficult young children often receive comments from others who think it’s their fault. “You held him too fast and he’s crying. “Just let them cry and they will learn.”

One group member wrote: “I used to hear this a lot. ‘I’m still breastfeeding so using formula will eliminate that problem.’ or ‘Maybe she’s like that because you did X, Y, and Z.’ Or, ‘I’m like this because I didn’t take care of my body properly during pregnancy.’ “Especially as a mother, the total lack of support and criticism for me was astronomical.”

isolation. I have met many parents who are convinced that they are. only The baby does this because there is no one else he knows or has seen. It’s hard to be the only one who can’t have your baby sit quietly in a circle and play while you talk. It’s hard to hear stories about how other babies naturally start sleeping through the night when your baby can’t last more than two hours at a time.

One group member said: “Nobody knows how hard it is until they try it. When I express the difficulties – the lack of sleep, the emotional exhaustion – I hear the exclamation, ‘Oh, me!’ ‘I’m sorry to hear that!’ If anything, it’s easier to stop talking about my reality and experiences, which distances me from other moms.”

Mothers may not feel part of the group because their daily experiences as babies and mothers are fundamentally different. These parents need much more support than other parents, but it is harder to access.

Having a child like this is a life-changing experience (not for the faint-hearted). These children ultimately have incredible talents and strengths, but getting through childhood is a journey. This is the first part of a series that seeks to address the lived experiences of these parents. Stay tuned.