I always worry when the texting is too good before a first date. It’s almost like some sort of cruel trick from the universe—if you’re really, really connecting with someone via emojis and clever answers to the most basic of questions, the chemistry almost never translates in person.
Case in point: a guy named Charles I went out with a month ago.
I was searching for tights at T.J.Maxx when we started chatting on Tinder. Right from the start, he was an excellent conversationalist and asking the kind of questions you want men to ask: What are you most passionate about? Why did you make the big move from NC? What makes you happy? And best of all, like me, he had a dog—so he totally understood that I needed to head home post-work to walk Lucy before meeting up at a swanky lounge.
I walked through the dark room and I spotted him at the bar. Immediately, I noticed he looked different—smaller—than he did in his photos. Then he opened his mouth to greet me, and his voice was very feminine with gestures to match, and I knew I probably wouldn’t be into him. We found a table, and he ordered us a round of drinks while I nervously nibbled on the complimentary peanuts (yes, they still offer those in some places!). He was nice enough, but I couldn’t imagine kissing him (my biggest indicator if I’m into someone or not), and the hour felt like it dragged on.
Even so, when he said he was up for another drink and asked if I wanted one, I nodded and stayed. I didn’t really have much more to say but kept the conversation going—because I’m polite—and when he went in for the kiss outside, I gave him the cheek and hailed the first cab I saw. He texted me the next day, and I ignored it until right before bed (so I wouldn’t have to cringe at the thought of him seeing it and being sad)—saying that I just saw more of a friendship, not a romantic connection. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t hear from him again.
I wish experiences like Charles were few and far between, but the next date I went on was more of the same—in fact, even worse. Here’s the thing: These guys weren’t great dates, I didn’t want to see them again (like, at all), but I still spent more than an hour with each of them. It’s experiences like these that make me anxious about agreeing to new dates with new guys. It’s not that I don’t think I’ll have a good time—often times, I do—but when they’re so bad that I could cry, I don’t know how to get myself out of the situation. Blame it on my Southern manners or that I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I usually spend more time on first dates with guys than I need to.
Why? I have no idea how to bail on a date. So I asked Thomas Edwards, dating coach and the founder of The Professional Wingman, for advice. He gave me three really solid tips about first dates—and how to get out of ‘em if they’re going downhill fast:
1. All Dates Should Be Short—Even the Good Ones Â
Edwards said to keep first dates/meetings to an hour—90 minutes, max. Marathon dates may seem like great indicators of a spark, but it also can take away some of the mystery. Just like texting too much beforehand.
2. Remember: You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself
Always have an exit plan in mind, but be vague about it, says Edwards. “The most effective strategy is to finish your drink, excuse yourself to the bathroom, and when you return, let your date know you have to go,†he says. If your date asks why, just say that something personal came up and you have to leave. Another way to get out of a date? Just decline the second drink, which gives a signal that you’d like your time together to end sooner rather than later. Yes, it’s awkward and you want to be polite. But really, you’re saving him the cash and saving yourself another half-hour of polite conversation.
MORE: 7 Secrets for an Amazing First Date
3. Don’t Say You Want to Be Friends if You Don’tÂ
The worst thing you can do is to suggest friendship if you really don’t want it, says Edwards. This could just lead the guy on to thinking there’s a possibility for future connection, when in reality, you’re frankly not that interested. How to phrase it? Simple: “Hey! It was good to meet you last night. Although I don’t see this heading in a romantic direction, thanks for taking the time to meet up, and I wish you all the best in finding someone.†If the guy insists again, leave it be. “Trying to make it softer only creates a greater chance of misinterpreting what you mean,†says Edwards. “This could just make for a harsher rejection from you and more frustration for him.â€
MORE: 11 Thoughts EVERY Woman Has Before a First Date
4. Never Bail Within the First Five Minutes
But what if you know this probably won’t go anywhere? Nope. Ya gotta stay put. “Consider and respect that they took time out of their day or night to meet you,†he says. “You can manage one drink and meet your girlfriends later to make up for the experience.â€
Though it’s never fun to go on bad dates, Edwards says that’s kind of the whole point of dating in the first place: “You’re trying to meet someone, and sometimes, that means you won’t like everyone you go out with—but it’s all setting you on the path to find a true love.â€
Sure, it’s not going to be easy to endure poor conversation with someone you definitely don’t see any potential with. But think of it this way: One day, you’ll have your last first date ever. Just remember that the next time you’re counting down the minutes until the check arrives.
MORE: 15 Horrible Date Stories That Will Make You Cringe
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Lindsay Tigar is a 26-year-old single writer, editor, and blogger living in New York City. She started her popular dating blog Confessions of a Love Addict after one too many terrible dates with tall, emotionally unavailable men (her personal weakness) and is now developing a book about it, represented by the James Fitzgerald Agency. You can find her running along the East River, drinking champagne with her dog Lucy (don’t judge), and constantly tweeting and instagramming. In addition to Dater Diary, Lindsay also writes for AskMen.com, eHarmony, Shape, Engagement 101, and more. E-mail her at [email protected].