Influencing Teens and Tweeners, Part 2
(6) Surf their insurgency like a wave. Say we wish your teenagers or tweeners to get to bed earlier, or to spend some-more time on their homework. It’s normal for teenagers to conflict we on these things, generally if they are feeling pushed to do something they are not prepared to do—even if they determine with we on some level. For example, they competence commend that they are not doing as good in propagandize as they’d like, yet they aren’t prepared nonetheless to dedicate to spending some-more time on task and reduction time on video games.
Sometimes (often?) we parents means kids to puncture in their heels when we disagree a possess position some-more forcefully. This is like perplexing to be accepted in a unfamiliar nation where we don’t pronounce a language: When we ask a doubt to a internal who doesn’t know English, we competence get undone and ask again—but this time louder: “WHERE IS THE TRAIN STATION?” Similarly, with teens, it doesn’t assistance to make a same evidence again, yet louder. We’ll usually provoke them.
Instead of perplexing to persuade kids, we need to accept their insurgency as normal and take with a opposite tactic—like one we list below, or in my final post.
(7) Genuinely conclude their position and their appearance in a discussion. Used sparingly, affirmations build connections. You competence be repelled (or depressed) by what your teen is revelation you, and tempted to prove out a mistakes that could hurt their lives forever. Instead, conclude how tough a review competence be for them, and appreciate them for their honesty: “I can usually suppose that this is an ungainly review for you. I’m so grateful that we are peaceful to speak with me about your sex life. Thank we for explaining because you’ve been unctuous out with your girlfriend. Your probity says a lot about who we are as a person.”
Don’t overdo this one, though, or contend anything we don’t indeed mean, or you’ll come off as inauthentic and manipulative.
(8) Shift a concentration of your discussion. Offer a small service by changing a subject ever-so-slightly.
Perhaps you’ve been articulate about how your daughter’s beloved infrequently creates her feel homely by creation jokes about her weight. You competence temporarily change a concentration of your contention by observant something like, “You’re flattering assured that you’re in adore with Pete, though, and we contend he’s ‘the one.’ Tell me some-more about that.”
(9) Side with their disastrous position. When my kids were toddlers, their father and we used to laugh during how good “reverse psychology” worked, and if we are quite learned (meaning, we can do this but sounding vicious or sarcastic) it competence work with your teen or tweener, too.
For example, your teen competence be repetition about how her other primogenitor is unequivocally bugging her to try out for soccer; she wants him to behind off and let her do her possess thing. You could determine with her disastrous position by observant something like, “Maybe he should usually leave we alone, even if it means that he isn’t concerned in your college applications, that is what he’s perplexing to assistance we with.” Or we could say, “Yes, we both competence be improved off if he focused his appetite on your brother.”
(10) Help them make a function plan if your teen or tweener indicates that they are prepared to make a change. Do this usually if we consider that they won’t be means to make a devise on their own, and if they prove that they would like your help. Have them list:
-the changes they would like to make
-the many critical reasons for those changes
-the specific stairs they devise to take
-the people who can support them—and precisely how those people can help
-the hurdles or intensity barriers to their success—and privately what they will do when they confront these difficulties.
Have them tell we their prophesy for their success—how will they (and you) know that they have been successful, or if a devise is working?
In what areas do we wish to beam your teen or tweener toward improved decisions? Which of these techniques do we consider will work best?
Read Part 1 of this posting here.
Gold, Melanie A. and Ronald E. Dahl, “Using Motivational Interviewing to Facilitate Healthier Sleep-Related Behaviors in Adolescents.” In Behavioral Treatments for Sleep Disorders. Edited by Michael Perlis, Mark Aolia, and Brett Kuhn, Amsterdam: Academic Press, 2011, Chapter 38, pp. 367-380.
© 2013 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
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adolescents, affirmations, clinical psychology, homework, nbsp, parental wisdom, parents, participation, highbrow ron, resistance, ron dahl, tactic, sight station, tweeners, tweens, uc berkeley professor, video games