Sally Windsor
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Susan, from Crawley, West Sussex, is a loving mother who felt she had no choice but to take antidepressants during her pregnancy with Etienne after being struck down by pre-natal depression
Susan Barden stood over her sleeping newborn son and cautiously started to edge her way out of his nursery towards the door.
Suddenly, baby Etienne started jerking alarmingly, his tiny arms flailing about in distress, before his body was consumed by heavy, distressed sobs.
The guilt stabbed her like a knife. Instantly, Susan picked up her baby and began soothing and kissing him. It was going to be a long night.
Susan had been warned that Etienne might suffer sleep problems and irritability in these early weeks.Â
He was suffering from drug withdrawal as his tiny body adapted to being gradually weaned off the medication she took while she was pregnant.
But Susan, from Crawley, West Sussex, is not a hapless street addict. This respectable, and loving mother felt she had no choice but to take antidepressants during her pregnancy after being struck down by ante or pre-natal depression, a debilitating condition that affects women during pregnancy, as opposed to the more commonly-known postnatal depression.
Thought to be caused by a combination of fluctuating hormones and stress as women come to terms with the life-changing events ahead, studies suggest it is actually more common than postnatal depression. It is estimated that one in seven pregnant women suffers the condition in the UK.
Sufferers have described pregnancy as ‘a nine-month tunnel of doom, anxiety and despair’ rather than the joyful time most new mums experience. In the most extreme cases, some have suicidal thoughts or even attempt to take their own lives.
As a final resort many, like Susan, feel they have no choice but to take antidepressants, which cross the placenta into the baby’s bloodstream.
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‘Every morning as I took my tablet, I questioned myself: “Should I really be doing this?†’ says Susan, 35.Â
‘While my pregnant friends would go into meltdown over having a bit of unpasteurised cheese or a cup of caffeinated coffee, my worries for my baby were consolidated by what chemicals I knew I was putting into my body.
‘But I really felt I had no choice. I’d been having such terrible, dark thoughts. I’d actually considered suicide at one point, and it was seriously affecting my relationship with my fiance, I had to take them for everyone’s sakes.’
Happy now: The trio are a happy family, but Susan was plagued with dark thoughts during pregancy
Susan, who works for the airline Virgin Atlantic as a wedding planner, should have been delighted when she first found out she was pregnant in January 2013.
She and her 30-year-old fiance Luke Tomasini, manager of a vehicle-hire shop, had been trying for their first baby for more than a year.
They found out the good news during a dream holiday in Antigua, just five days after she had accepted Luke’s marriage proposal on New Year’s Eve.
‘It was what I wanted more than anything — a child of my own. In fact, my biological clock had been ticking so loudly I could practically hear it ringing in my ears.’
‘But almost the first minute after I fell pregnant, I felt like I was being attacked by a demon inside me. Like my baby wasn’t a baby at all, more like a “thing†that had entered my body, warped my brain and was now totally destroying my life.’
Susan and Luke just after she gave birth. Her condition caused extreme tension with her loving partner
It was Susan’s best friend Donna Bedford, 39, a former midwife, who first raised concerns about her behaviour — before either women knew about the pregnancy.
Donna noticed that Susan was being unusually grumpy and mentioned her concerns, which Susan simply brushed off, saying that she was just having ‘a bad day’.
Then, on a visit to Donna’s home, Susan’s unpredictable temper flared and she verbally lashed out at Donna’s four-year-old daughter Tabitha for being noisy.
‘Donna was so appalled, she actually threw me out of the house,’ remembers Susan. But no one was more disgusted by her unexpected behaviour than Susan herself.
‘I hated myself and felt like I’d been possessed by a demonic entity.’
A week later, she discovered she was pregnant. While Luke was thrilled, Susan describes her feelings as more akin to disgust. She did her best to hide it, but Luke knew something was seriously wrong.
She said: ‘The worst thing was, I pushed Luke away, even though he was showing me so much love at the time’
‘He tried to be as sympathetic as possible but found it impossible to ever say the right thing. I’d never been pregnant before but I didn’t need an expert to tell me that this reaction was abnormal.
‘I hated anyone talking about my pregnancy.Â
‘Comments suggesting I was “blooming†or “glowing†made me feel like I wanted to physically attack someone.’
A few weeks after finding out she was pregnant, Susan was barely functioning. She felt so depressed she’d often stay in bed all day.
‘By 11 weeks pregnant, I couldn’t even imagine the thing inside me as a baby, it just felt like a monster, ruining my life. Luke was doing the best he could to lift my spirits, but I felt at my lowest ebb ever.
‘I was convinced he was going to leave me, even though he was constantly cooing over baby stuff we saw in the shops and was always suggesting names.
‘He was so excited, but all I could think was: “I’m going to be a dreadful mother.†Everything I thought I’d feel about being a mum just sapped away. And the worst thing was, I pushed Luke away, even though he was showing me so much love at the time.’
Susan admits that at her lowest point she considered waiting until her baby was at 24-weeks gestation — able to survive outside the womb — and then attempting suicide.
‘I’d try to fathom out a way that would harm me, but not my baby, so it could be born and I could die.
‘I knew an overdose on tablets would interfere with my bloodstream, and therefore the baby’s too, so that wasn’t an option.
‘There wasn’t a single part of me that really wanted to go through with it, but even so, I couldn’t stop the thoughts spinning through my head. I couldn’t think clearly.
‘Ending my life wasn’t something that had ever entered my mind in my entire life. I’d never had any kind of depression until then, or any mental health issues
By the time she was three months pregnant, Susan had isolated herself from everyone close to her — even her 67-year-old mother Valerie Robinson who was desperately worried.
Convinced that Susan must have some kind of illness, Donna begged her friend to see her GP. Recognising his patient was profoundly ill, they discussed antidepressants.
Both Susan and Luke were warned of the risks for their unborn baby.
Everything from anxiety to sleep and muscle problems have been linked to the use of antidepressants during pregnancy.
Indeed, earlier this year, U.S. research conducted by doctors at the Massachusetts General Hospital on 7,800 children aged between two and 19, found the risk of a child developing attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) was raised if their mothers had been prescribed pills for depression during pregnancy.
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