HMN 2026: How Breaking up is hard, but how you do it might make moving on easier

Breaking up is hard. Are there certain behaviors or communication techniques that could result in ex-partners feeling better post-break? Researchers from the University of Ottawa’s Relationships and Couple Health (REACH) Lab have explored this topic and have found that when the initiator of a breakup engages in “autonomy-supportive” behaviors—which can include being honest, using non-controlling language, and taking time to acknowledge the other person during disagreements—ex-partners experienced positive emotions and subjective vitality. By showing a level of respect for the former relationship, these behaviors helped provide better closure.

“There’s a lot of research about the physical characteristics of a breakup that predict distress or well-being, such as the gender, relationship length, ongoing contact with an ex-partner, or the role and use of technology,” said Erin McClung, lead author and doctoral candidate in Experimental Psychology in the Faculty of Social Sciences, “but less is known about the strategies people use to break up with their romantic partner—what they should say or do to lessen the blow.”

The study, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, found that autonomy support during a breakup was associated with more positive feelings post-breakup for both ex-partners, but was not associated with lower negative feelings like depression and anxiety post-breakup. Being autonomy-supportive involves acknowledging another’s perspective, providing a clear rationale, offering choices, and providing non-controlling feedback.

“Knowing why a partner broke off the relationship may not make it hurt any less, but that “autonomy support” may allow both the initiator and the recipient to gain clarity over their relationship and move on,” said McClung.

Understanding the reasons for the breakup as it is happening was of particular importance, as more ongoing contact with one’s ex was associated with increased negative feelings post-breakup.

“We know that not everyone will feel that they are in a position to be autonomy-supportive when breaking-up, or it may not be feasible to apply all aspects,” said Associate Professor Serena Corsini-Munt, who supervised the research as Director of the ReaCH Lab, “but we hope that autonomy-supportive communication could help set the stage for helpful communication and feeling better post breakup.”

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