HMN 2024: Talking About Sex With a New Partner

As a sex therapist, many of my clients sheepishly admit they have never really talked about sex in a “grown-up” way. Meaning maybe they have made jokes, used innuendo, or used slang to talk around sex. I think this is fairly common, and so, of course, I hold no judgment. For some folks, it is pretty daunting to show up to sex therapy and be asked to participate in a respectful dialogue about sex. So, I want to address one important sexual conversation folks should have. Because, in my professional opinion, having this conversation with a potential sexual partner might lead to some really great sex.

Look, I know it is a controversial topic in some circles regarding when to have sex with a new partner, so I am going to set that aside for now. Instead, I want to address the what do you talk about with someone before you have sex.

I also know that some people desire what most understand as casual sex; that is, sex without a deeper relationship or commitment. There are also folks who are only seeking committed relationships. And I know there are many, many shades in between. There are a lot of factors involved in all this. I believe these questions are applicable to most people in most situations.

So, do you have the sexual health talk with a potential partner?

Initial questions to discuss include:

• What is your and their STI status?
• How frequently are each of you getting tested for STIs?
• What is your and their preferred method(s) for practicing safer sex?
• What is your and their preferred method(s) for practicing birth control if needed?
• Are there any sexual functioning issues — from everything like arousal nonconcordance, issues with orgasm, issues with erections, pain with intercourse?

Then there are the topics of erotic and sexual interest:

• What do each of you like to do sensually? Erotically? Sexually?
• What do each of you not like to do sensually?
• What are each of your hard limits and boundaries?
• What are each of your maybes?

Assuming everyone is acting in good faith, these are important topics to discuss and information to share honestly. This goes beyond just getting consent to have sex (which is much more complicated than a binary yes/no).

Imagine discussing all these topics with your new partner, as I like to say, with your clothes on and feet on the floor (meaning not when you are naked and/or about to get started sexually). What comes up for you emotionally? I can imagine that perhaps feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, lack of knowledge, fear of rejection, fear of being made fun of, or just plain awkwardness. I get it: these topics are hard. They are revealing and vulnerable. They involve risk-taking. They might contain surprises. They might contain disappointments. And so, how can you manage yourself when faced with such things?

It seems like all of this has gotten more difficult for people to do. Between a rise in abstinence-only sex education school policies in many states across the country, which has led to a literal lack of knowledge, to religious and moral beliefs about sex that create shame and unnecessary modesty, and parents not discussing with their children what sex and healthy sexual relationships look like, not to mention most people are simply not practiced in discussing these things. I know that many of my sex therapy clients say that coming to my office is literally the first time they have ever discussed these things—not even with their medical doctor.

I also want to say that in my professional experience, no one is 100 perfect in their sexual decision-making 100 percent of the time. Who amongst us would give themselves an A+ for being sexually responsible over the course of their entire lives? As you read this, I hope you are giving yourself some grace and compassion and, if applicable, thinking about opportunities to do better in the future.

A great word of advice I personally got a long time ago and that I think applies here is, “If you’re not able to talk about sex with a partner, then you’re not ready to have sex with a partner.” It is not just about communicating your desire and boundaries; it is also about advocating for yourself and respecting others in all the nuances that come with interpersonal relationships. This highlights the important relational aspect of sex, even if it is only casual sex/a hookup that you are seeking.

I can also easily imagine discussing all of these points above might take a while. Great! It could build positive anticipation or highlight how you might be mismatched. Some of my sex therapy clients have said that one of their fears in discussing these topics in detail is that “sex might lose its sexiness.” I have observed that for most folks, what happens is actually the opposite: getting clarity and consensus helps all partners make a truly informed decision, relax, and trust.

And all of those are pretty damn sexy if you ask me.