HMN 2024: The High Cost of Contempt

Contempt begins with indifference to or disdain for the hurt and hardship of others, due to perceived immorality or inferiority. In our narcissistic times, attributing inferiority to others has become a primary defense against vulnerability.

But indifference to suffering is an assault on our innate sense of basic humanity, stirring vulnerability in the form of guilt. To counter the powerlessness of guilt, we empower ourselves with anger and a desire to see those who disagree with us utterly humiliated.

Although aimed at others, contempt is filled with hidden self-anger, if not self-contempt. It’s hardly possible to like yourself while feeling contempt.

A less virulent precursor to contempt is resentment, arising from perceptions of unfairness. Like contempt, resentment obscures more than it seems to illuminate. For instance, on autopilot, we’re hypersensitive to being treated unfairly but hardly sensitive at all to our own unfair attitudes and behavior. Hypocrisy is an unavoidable byproduct of resentment and contempt.

We easily fall into the trap of resentment because it feels different from the way it looks. You may feel mistreated or hurt but look mean and unfriendly. Other people respond to how you look, not how you feel. They see body tension and disdainful facial expressions and hear an emphatic tone of voice feigning intellectual or moral superiority.

Similarly, contempt may feel like righteous passion, but it’s more likely to appear self-righteous and petty. If you doubt the disconnect between feeling and manifestation, try recording yourself talking about something you resent or a politician you oppose, while looking in a mirror.

The High Cost of Resentment and Contempt

Resentment and contempt erode the sense of self, leading to depression and physical symptoms, such as rashes, headaches, stomachaches, and body-aches. The powerful urge to justify the feelings tells us they’re not good for us. Those who express resentment and contempt will give lots of justifications for them, especially if they’ve reached the obsessional level, which they are apt to do. In contrast, we feel little urge to justify emotions that are good for us, such as compassion and love.

Railing against the way things are, instead of improving them, keeps us stuck in resentment, on a fast track to contempt.

A precursor to resentment is fear of ambiguity and uncertainty, which can trap us in short-sighted close-mindedness. We live in an increasingly complex world, in which ambiguity and uncertainty are normal, understandable, and, if you want to grow, desirable.

Antidotes

For a meaningful life, ambiguity and uncertainty must stimulate learning, not knee-jerk defensive reactions.

If offended by close-minded people, be open-minded. If impatient with judgmental people, be less judgmental. If you can’t take rigid people, be flexible. If insulted by disrespectful people, be respectful.

If you can’t stand to be interrupted, become a better listener. If stingy people trigger you, be more generous. If you’re irritated by resentful people, be compassionate. If intolerant of mean people, be kinder.

For an authentic, hopeful, powerful life:

• Identify more with your basic humanity and moral character than with group affiliation.
• Reflect on your autopilot judgments and assumptions.
• Be more curious, less judgmental.