HMN 2024: Where Is the Father Gaze?

From the very beginning, a baby looks to see reflection from the face and eyes of a father. “Are you there?” “I am here.” “Are you here for me?” The mirroring of father to child is made up of his empathic responses to needs, wishes, experiences, behaviors and gives legitimacy, validation, and a sense of worth.

Many children, however, do not have good experiences because they do not see or experience anything related to them. Or, there might be doubt, insecurity or absence, a father’s lack of love and care, and this becomes how the child views herself, with lack and absence. The attributes, interests, etc. associated with the paternal image and feeling of containment and peace of mind with father is not possible. The world is not as was expected. Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist of the twentieth century, spoke about the residue of this as follows. “Inertia of the libido, which will relinquish no object of the past, but would like to hold it fast forever…(an) original passive state where the libido is arrested in the objects of childhood” (1967, par. 253).

The personal father described here is one who might be present but lives in emotional and/or physical absence. His feeling reactions are dead inside. He might be suffering from his own childhood, full of life failure, loss, and depression from unfulfilled goals and dreams. The result is there is no room for him to acknowledge or give good feedback to the child. This absence transfers to the child as their own emptiness. A person grows up feeling lacking at their very core. For example, a man cannot remember what his father was like but does recall there was no love given. A woman says her father hates her, puts her down, denigrates whatever she does, does not listen, and makes negative comments about her clothes, looks, and lifestyle. Another woman describes disapproval in the look from a father who never understood her, saw her, or got her desires and goals for learning and knowledge.

When the father is absent to himself, the child internalizes the absence. This is a deprivation developing into poorly developed self-care and even despair. By his absence, a father is neglectful and cannot keep the child in his mind. He cannot see the child or bestow positive looks or appreciation. His eyes carry no encouragement for the child.

The importance and influence of the father figure begins from infancy and leads to physical and psychological security. The sense of who we are arises from the ways the early experiences with father figures are met or fail to be met. The necessary developmental and relational patterning involves having a father who can convey relatedness and support. Then, the child can bloom from receiving the light in his eyes.

A positive father figure validates his child through facial and bodily expressions. Although the mirror of the father’s face does not reflect a daughter’s self-same face, like it does for a son, for all children, he can reflect a range of emotions, affects, approval, liking, and love. The quality of his gaze impacts how the child learns to interpret meaning from others and purpose in life. When a child is not certain who they are because they’re uncertain about how they are seen, anxiety, depression, and psychological dissociation can occur. One grows distant from life and unable to fully recognize the range of their bodily and psychological feelings.

This results in dreams, thoughts, and destructive actions, exposing the demons inside, disallowing a child to succeed. They speak in murderous, self-defeating voices one tries to both face and crush. Here is an example from a person whose father did not see them and rarely was home to look. “I dreamt yet again and have periodically through my life about the man that has always had this strange energy—part erotic, part fear, part draw, part destruction. He is like the man in the movie Silence of the Lambs. I wake up fearful and then think I must call 911, the police, and even if he knows, I must turn him in and get away from this guy, or else it will never end”.

As an example of the needful good gaze from the father, we find this dreamer realizing the damage from childhood and the need to explore its impact on their life. To get away from this situation, the situation had to be made public, as it was the only way to get protection. This happens by gaining consciousness in therapy about both inner and outer relationships. The dream reveals an internal psychological figure turning against and creating self-annihilation. It displays the anxiety, the theme of instability and feeling trapped. The images illustrate a self that is fragmented and scared, the dream man as dangerous and devouring.

The father issues emerge in dreams, showing the psychological residues and the negative male images. These arise from painful experiences with a father who does not see them. It can be so bad this results in a consuming and death-dealing quality. The core self is under threat as the negative father influence had taken up a residence as a negative figure in the personality.

Upon awakening, the dreamer knew there was more to explore about this father figure. The anger and rejection from the father had turned inward. It was like red nails clawing within, destructive to their body and whole personality. The father had transformed into a dictator inside ruling life, sapping originality, diminishing confidence, and cutting self-potency. The dreamer was again reminded of the lack of the father’s gaze. This dream began the client’s entry into the process of Jungian therapy to learn self-regard, respect, and to use their talents. The treasure is there to be discovered.

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