HMN 2025: 5 things you need to know about sex with your ex

Can’t get that old spark out of your head? If you find yourself caught in a vicious cycle of “but that might not actually be the case”, rest assured that you are not alone.

1. First love hits hard and doesn’t let go. Blame neurology.

Timing is terrible with first love. Or perfect timing. It all depends on how you look at it.

Helen Fisher’s 2005 study on the brain and romantic love found that when someone gets stuck in an addictive behavior pattern, the part of the brain responsible for the brain’s reward system becomes activated. Simply put, you can become “addicted” to the feeling of being in love. It’s natural for us to maintain that physical relationship even after the relationship’s expiration date.

MIT cognitive researcher Joshua Hartshorne found that emotional memories are strongest around age 18. This is the age when many people want to be in love or lust, thanks to our body’s endocrine system, or hormones. This is partly because emotional memory is very good at age 18, and partly because the significance of this first love experience makes it a core memory against which many future loves can be compared. get older

It’s little wonder that we often find ourselves holding on to past loves because our brains actively encourage it.

2. The benefits of a “friends with benefits” relationship are not sexually satisfying.

If you’ve spent the last few years or more participating in a cycle of semi-passionate (but mostly unsatisfying relationships) and recurring relationship drama, you’re not alone.

A study by Dailey and Powell (2017) examined the relationships of 560 college students, 27% of whom were in friends-with-benefits relationships, and those in these relationships rated their relationships lower on camaraderie, relationship satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction. It turns out that it did. sexual satisfaction.

So why do we engage in this fun, yet sometimes painful, endeavor? Evidence from this study points to the idea that, despite the fact that sex in friends-with-benefits relationships may not be sexually satisfying, people involved in these relationships may be more motivated by physical contact than emotional contact. .

That said, spoiler alert means it’s highly unlikely that the cinematic ending would happen in real life. The sum of this equation is disappointing for those looking for a friends-with-benefits situation to turn into something more.

3. Oxytocin and the power of social bonds.

Oxytocin is the brain’s physiological link that binds us to others.

A 2017 study by Algoe, Kurtz, and Grewen examined 129 romantic partners in a laboratory-like setting in which one partner expressed gratitude to the other and found that higher levels of oxytocin were associated with higher perceptions of love and gratitude. People exposed to higher levels of oxytocin tend to view their partners with “rose-colored glasses.” As if your partner can do no wrong.

Where can you find this love life game-changer? Oxytocin is a hormone released in the brain that is heavily associated with social bonds, including childbirth, breastfeeding, and the important link between physical and emotional bonds.

Thanks to oxytocin, sex with someone you don’t particularly care about emotionally can turn into an unmanageable emotional attachment much sooner than you’d like. In other words, we can thank oxytocin for the “complicated” part of friendships with benefits.

4. Sexual attraction can help start a relationship.

A 2019 study conducted by Gurit Birnbaum of the University of Rochester included four studies in which heterosexual participants were introduced to attractive participants of the opposite sex.

In the first study, researchers looked for nonverbal clues that participants were physically attracted to each other, including unconsciously mimicking their partner’s movements, increasing physical proximity, and frequent eye contact between the two participants. One of the two participants took part in the experiment in secret. itself. The more attracted subjects were to other individuals, the more likely they were to imitate their so-called partner’s words and actions.

In a second study, two “participants” (remember, one of them was only pretending to be a participant) were asked to slow dance with each other, and again the participants’ behavior tended to mimic the individual they were attracted to. to.

A third study showed participants short clips of 30 milliseconds containing non-pornographic erotic images, which were presented too quickly for participants to cognitively recognize that they had seen something significant. Participants then interacted with other participants of the opposite sex, and were evaluated by independent judges on their responses indicating feelings of responsiveness and caring toward the other individual. People who were primed with erotic images in advance were more likely to display relationship characteristics about their partners than those who were not primed with erotic images. Here, the focus is on demonstrating traits that are beneficial to the relationship. ~ after Images are presented that are thought to be “best” or prepare individuals to be more likely to embrace or accept romantic relationships.

Obviously, sex can help start intimacy in a relationship, but it’s only the initial spark that ignites this fire, not the key to a lasting relationship.

5. People are happier on the days they have sex.

A study by Kashdan et al found that people are happier and feel their lives are more meaningful on days they have sex. In a three-week diary study, 152 college students reported on their mental health and sexual activity. Students reported how much meaning they felt in life and their current levels of positive and negative mood states. When they were sexually active, they felt more meaningful in life, experienced more positive moods, and experienced fewer negative moods.

And in case you’re wondering, better sex equals better mood. Ordinary sex equals mundane mood improvement. So if you’re going to have sex with your ex, make sure it’s satisfying. You are more likely to feel better that way. And if you’re not satisfied with sex with your ex… it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the effort or not.