HMN 2025: How A social employee explains learn how to assist survivors of the latest floods

The July 4, 2025, floods in Kerr County, Texas, swept away kids and whole households, leaving horror of their wake. Days later, flash floods struck Ruidoso, New Mexico, killing three people, including two young children.

These usually are not simply devastating losses. When loss of life is sudden, violent, or when a physique is rarely recovered, grief will get tousled with trauma.

In these conditions, individuals do not solely grieve the loss of life. They wrestle with the phobia of the way it occurred, the unanswered questions and the shock etched into their bodies.

I’m a social work professor, grief researcher and the founding father of The Young Widowhood Project, a analysis initiative aimed toward expanding scholarship and public understanding of untimely spousal loss.

I used to be widowed after I was 36. In July 2020, my husband, Brent, went lacking after testing a small, flat-bottomed fishing boat known as a Jon boat. His physique was recovered two days later, however I by no means noticed his stays.

Both my private loss {and professional} work have proven me how trauma adjustments the grieving course of and how much assist truly helps.

To perceive how trauma can complicate grief, it is necessary to first perceive how individuals sometimes reply to loss.

Grief is not a set of levels

Many individuals nonetheless consider grief by way of the lens of psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief, popularized within the early Nineteen Seventies: denial, anger, bargaining, melancholy and acceptance.

But the truth is, this model was initially designed for individuals going through their very own deaths, not for mourners. In the absence of accessible grief analysis within the Nineteen Sixties, it grew to become a number one framework for understanding the grieving course of—even though it wasn’t meant for that.

Despite this misapplication, the levels model has formed cultural expectations: particularly, that grief ends as soon as individuals attain the “acceptance” stage. But analysis would not assist this concept. Trying to drive grief into this model can cause real harm, leaving mourners feeling they’re grieving “flawed.”

In actuality, mourning is usually lifelong. Most individuals undergo an acute interval of overwhelming ache right after the loss. This is normally adopted by built-in grief, where the ache softens however the loss continues to be a part of everyday life, returning in waves.

Although grief is exclusive to every particular person and relationship, researchers have discovered that mourners often strive to a) make sense of the death; b) adjust to a world without their loved one; c) type an ongoing reference to their deceased cherished one in new methods; and d) figure out who they are without their loved one.

It’s tough and at instances disorienting work, however most people find ways to carry their grief and maintain dwelling.

When grief and trauma collide

However, some losses carry an additional layer of ache, confusion and trauma.

Sudden, surprising, unintended, violent or deeply tragic deaths—like these skilled in the course of the latest floods—can result in what researchers name traumatic bereavement: grief that’s disrupted by the traumatic nature of the loss of life.

People experiencing traumatic bereavement typically endure an extended and extra intense acute grief interval. They could also be haunted by disturbing pictures, nightmares or relentless ideas about how their cherished one died or suffered. Many wrestle with dread, non secular disorientation and a shattered sense of security on the earth.

Some of those deaths are additionally thought-about “ambiguous”—unclear or unconfirmed loss—akin to when a physique is rarely recovered or is just too broken to view. Without bodily affirmation, mourners typically really feel caught in disbelief and helplessness.

This was true in my case. Not seeing my husband’s physique left part of me suspended between realizing and never realizing. I knew he had died however could not absolutely imagine it, irrespective of how a lot I lived with the fact of his absence. For a very long time, I caught myself repeating these phrases each morning: “Brent is useless. Brent is useless.”

In many instances, these reactions aren’t quick time period. Many individuals affected by traumatic loss stay overwhelmed and typically bodily and emotionally impaired for years. Symptoms might taper over time, however they not often disappear solely.

Supporting mourners

Traumatic bereavement can really feel insufferable. Many mourners wrestle with intense, long-lasting reactions that may depart them feeling helpless, altered and even unrecognizable to themselves. They might seem withdrawn, forgetful or emotionally drained as a result of their methods are overwhelmed. Coping can look messy or self-destructive, however these are sometimes survival methods, not acutely aware selections. I’ve additionally seen how those self same struggles turn out to be extra survivable when mourners haven’t got to hold them alone. If you are supporting somebody by way of traumatic loss, listed below are 3 ways to assist.

• Make house for the horror. Listen with out flinching. Acknowledge the total weight of what occurred and the way terrifying and unjust the loss was. This means saying issues like, “This ought to by no means have occurred,” or “What you went by way of is past phrases.” It means staying current when the mourner speaks about what haunts them. Let them know they do not have to hold this alone. You might really feel the urge to say one thing hopeful akin to, “At least the physique was recovered,” however there is no such thing as a silver lining in these instances. Instead, say, “There’s nothing I can say to repair this, however I’m not going anyplace.”
• Help them discover others who can perceive. Trauma may be isolating. Mourners typically really feel uniquely overwhelmed or confused. Support teams, peer companions and therapists educated in treating grief and trauma can supply the type of recognition and validation that even essentially the most devoted buddy might not have the ability to present.
• Take care of your self, too. Being current for somebody in deep grief takes power, particularly if you happen to have been personally affected by the loss. Stay related to replenishing individuals, practices and routines. If you do not, you could start to expertise trauma, too. Taking care of your self will make it easier to stay grounded so as to present up.

I imagine supporting somebody by way of traumatic bereavement is likely one of the most significant issues you are able to do. You do not want excellent phrases or a plan. What sustains them will not be recommendation or options, however your easy, highly effective act of staying.

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