HMN 2025: How the Scarcity Principle Creates Unhealthy Relationships

You may have noticed that we are often more attracted to people who are difficult to approach, or that we hold relationships tighter the moment we distance ourselves. This is not just a coincidence. This is the scarcity principle in action. This concept explains why we tend to place greater value on things that are rare or at risk of being lost.

In relationships, the scarcity principle does more than generate attraction. That means it strengthens our emotions, changes our perceptions, and plays a huge role in how we approach love and connection.

Understanding how this principle shapes our romantic lives can help us recognize when it is quietly influencing our emotions and decisions. Here’s how scarcity affects our relationships and what we can do to explore it more consciously.

1. The charm of unavailability

When someone seems “rare” or hard to get, they often become more desirable in our eyes. This phenomenon can be subtle, like taking an interest in someone who is distant or difficult to read, or it can be more obvious when someone’s unpredictability adds an air of mystery.

In a romantic context, this perception is the driving force behind the “chase” dynamic, where the chase is thrilling, sometimes even more thrilling than the actual connection. While this dynamic can be exciting in the short term, it often results in unhealthy behavioral patterns, such as emotional dependence or unequal distribution of effort in the relationship.

Research explains how these patterns result. no way 2013 study published in sage open It turns out that unrequited love, often influenced by perceptions of inadequacy, lacks the deep passion, commitment, and mutual investment of a healthy partnership. Instead, it is often marked by emotional turmoil, resulting in a more turbulent and less satisfying version of love. These findings highlight the dangers of idealizing lack of availability. Because the allure of scarcity can create more emotional tension than true connection.

2. Fear of losing what you have

The scarcity principle doesn’t just impact the early stages of a relationship, it can have a profound impact on long-term partnerships as well. Fear of loss is often triggered when we sense our partner is pulling away or becoming less available. These fears can expand our attachments, making relationships feel more important. In response, we may obsess, overcompensate, or even try to “fix” a problem that doesn’t exist.

same study The participants mentioned above experienced feelings of inadequacy resulting from receiving less help during tasks and responded by amplifying their positive traits and downplaying their negative traits.

This “above-average effect” acts as a psychological buffer that helps individuals cope with feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty. In the context of relationships, this may explain why we overemphasize our roles or values ??when we feel our bond is at risk. By subconsciously emphasizing our strengths, we aim to convince ourselves and our partners of our worth and work to maintain the connection.

But while these coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, they can also distort our perception of the relationship, making us feel more vulnerable or at risk than we actually are. Over time, this heightened anxiety can lead to unhealthy patterns, such as possessiveness, chronic self-doubt, or a constant need for reassurance. Ironically, these behaviors can strain the relationships we are desperately trying to protect.

3. Scarcity and self-worth

Not only does the scarcity principle affect our self-perception, but it also affects how we value ourselves in relationships. When we believe that love, attention, and affection are rare or difficult to obtain, it can erode our self-esteem.

This way of thinking often leads us to settle for less-than-ideal relationships and perpetuate feelings of inadequacy. Deprivation often fuels a harmful cycle in which love is perceived as something we can “get” by adopting the very behaviors we fear. That means distancing yourself or your partner in a misguided attempt to maintain control or avoid rejection.

no way 2023 study published in current psychology It was found that two important factors – self-efficacy (confidence in managing challenges) and self-control – explain about 28% of why deficiencies often lead to impulsive decisions. When someone lacks confidence in their ability to navigate a challenge or has difficulty resisting immediate urges, they are more likely to prioritize short-term solutions over long-term interests. In a relationship, this can translate into maintaining an unsatisfying dynamic to avoid the discomfort of being alone.

The key to breaking this vicious cycle is to release the pressure to constantly “prove” our worth by cultivating self-love and prioritizing healthy, open relationships. These changes not only strengthen our sense of self, but also free us from the constraints of scarcity and foster deeper, more meaningful connections.

4. Scarcity and emotional manipulation

The scarcity principle can be subtly weaponized in relationships, too. Partners may knowingly or unknowingly withhold affection, communication, or emotional availability to create scarcity and increase perceived value. This tactic can result in an unbalanced dynamic where one partner becomes overly dependent and is constantly chasing an unattainable connection.

This dynamic reflects the attraction of certain “dark qualities” in a relationship. no way 2016 study published in European Journal of Personality We found that narcissistic traits such as impulsivity, stubbornness, and rebelliousness can act as magnets, especially in short-term relationships.

These qualities bring novelty and unpredictability, which attracts others despite the emotional risk. Likewise, the scarcity created by withholding behavior may amplify desire in the moment, but it often undermines the long-term health of the relationship.

Recognizing these dynamics is important for maintaining emotional well-being. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication, and consistent affection, not manipulative tactics that keep one partner invested due to their perceived lack of emotional availability.

How to enrich your relationships

To break away from a scarcity mindset, we need to shift to a perspective based on abundance, security, and mutual gratitude. Richly rooted relationships include partners who openly express affection, share it openly, and offer reassurance without hesitation. Shifting your focus from scarcity to abundance helps you see relationships as spaces of growth, support, and consistent love.

Instead of seeking validation through inadequacy, remind yourself that healthy relationships are built on steady, open connections. Embracing abundance in a partnership helps both partners feel confident in their bond, free of the anxiety that lack brings, and creates a stable, secure love.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.