HMN 2025: How to Talk to Children About Traumatic Events

When a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or crime, occurs, we all struggle with conflicting emotions: anger, sadness, and fear. We try to think of what we can do to help victims and make ourselves safer, so that we are not overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and fear. We feel compassion, but the constant stream of terrible news can alienate our compassion and make us nervous.

Parents experience all these difficulties twice, once for themselves and once on behalf of their children. We must somehow manage our own emotions while providing a calm, loving presence for our children who are often filled with their own intense emotions. Here are some reminders that may be helpful to parents during times like these:

listen more than you talk

When parents ask me what they should say to their children, my answer is always the same. Listen more than you talk. Ask them what they already know. Answer their questions honestly and briefly. Share your feelings honestly, but keep the ‘volume’ down so your emotions don’t become more overwhelming. Share what you are doing to keep your children safe and what you are doing to manage your own strong emotions.

If they don’t bring up the topic, gently bring it up. Don’t force the conversation. But don’t assume just because they’re quiet that they’re not on their mind. You may misunderstand that you are trying to protect yourself by not speaking up, or you may think that it is a taboo topic.

Turn off the TV and other screens. Graphic images are more intense and difficult for children (and us) to process than words. Watching it play over and over again gives you the feeling that the event didn’t just happen once, but happened over and over again. Older children and adults can also understand this meaning, even if they understand the concept of rebirth. Adults are often immersed in endless media coverage and unable to recognize their children’s emotions or reactions as they watch their parents watch the news.

It’s okay to not know the answer to “Why?” This is a particularly difficult question when harm comes from people. Do your best to explain that people are hurt and confused. There is a saying, “Hurt people hurt others.” It is important to me not to respond to hate with hate and not to accept the idea that some people are evil and deserve to die.

Fred Rogers used to say that when tragedy strikes, look for help. Children need to know that the world is full of people with the desire and ability to help others.

Help children express empathy and consideration for victims and their families. This helps restore a sense of the inherent goodness of human beings and helps contradict the feelings of helplessness that can easily arise in such situations.

Allow children to express their feelings in any way they see fit, whether through tears, tantrums, fear, drawing or writing, or avoiding the topic. This is a natural reaction to a traumatic event. You don’t need false assurances or cookies to stop these feelings.

Share with children what you are doing to calm your emotional overflow. Having other adults who can talk about their big feelings can be very helpful in preventing the burden from being added to your child.

Expect children to regress and act younger than their peers. No matter their age, they may need primal comfort and touch (rocking and cuddling) at a baby level.

role of play

Surprisingly, there is a role for play even in the aftermath of destruction and violence. Many children (and their parents) benefit tremendously from pillow fights and fun wrestling during times of stress and pain. Physicality and playful strength contradict helplessness, and shared joy and laughter bring a much-needed sense of connection and unity. They may also introduce themes such as fire or death into pretend play. This is a healthy and wise action on their part and not something to be discouraged.

When children become victims of a traumatic event, it can feel very personal to other children, even if no one was directly affected by the violence.

We would like to provide complete safety for our children, but we cannot. But we can offer them something very deep and powerful. It is our presence in their lives as a source of nurturing, protection, tranquility and peace.