HMN 2025: You said, ‘What did I do wrong to end divorce?’

Divorce is a crisis of life and is one of the most difficult transitions in life. There are almost always floods of emotions, doubts and questions. One of these most common and intuitions is “What did I do wrong?” As a psychologist, I have heard a lot of questions from the patients, and it is worth the packaging with the focus of attention, empathy, and personal growth.

Why does this question come out?

Of course, it is natural to reflect the separation of the separation after the marriage. Our brain is especially connected to explain the events that are especially negative or traumatic and interfere with stability. “What did I do wrong?” It is often a way to deal with sorrow and to understand the complex and painful situations. Self -reflection can be a powerful tool for growth, but it is important to approach this question by promoting healing rather than self -criticism.

Risk of self -accusation

In my practice, I saw how easily self -accusations could be before being softened to the place of self -reflection. You can fix a specific behavior that plays a moment when you feel “failing” your partner or relationship. Jason asked me. “Did you not want to convert to your wife’s religion?” Amy asked: Should I have worked harder to maintain my feelings? ” Mel asked. The second guess of decisions and actions with “20/20 Fushi” may not be productive if you focus the same. This kind of thinking can lead to the next.

• Eradied pride: Constantly focusing on recognized defects can be worthless or broken.
• Paralysis of personal growth: If the blame darkens the reflection, it becomes more difficult to move forward.
• Distorted perspective: One person’s behavior alone does not end. Seeing yourself as a responsibility ignores the common mechanics of marriage.

Healthy reflection method

The key to solving this question is to change the focus from accusing the focus to learning what can be involved in the relationship with the future life. The method is as follows:

1. I admit your feelings, but feelings are not true.

It’s okay to be sad or angry or guilty. These feelings are the natural parts of the grieving process. It reminds them that they are sitting with them, but feelings are not true. For example, I replied to MEL, “It’s not true because you think.” MEL may never know if her weight gain has divorced her husband, but you need to understand that divorce is much more complicated than a single problem.

2. Recognize sharing responsibility.

The relationship is a two -way distance. It is worth investigating your behavior, but it is also important to recognize that your partner has brought your pattern, choice and challenge to marriage. Many customers found marriage counseling and many others did not. But almost everyone can consider some of the spouse’s contributions. For example, Jason began to understand that his conversion or conversion decision was a decision that his wife could not control. “If I converted, she still had a complaint about me or my spiritual belief.”

3. Please ask yourself a constructive question.

In the early stages of divorce, you probably be overwhelmed by many mixed feelings. After a while, if you feel that there is more evidence in the reality of divorce, you can start moving from self -criticism to self -reflection. Instead of frame of your reflexes about “What did I do wrong?”, Ask the following questions:

• “What did you learn about myself in this relationship?”
• “How do you want to be different in the future relationship?”
• “What strength did you have for this marriage?”

4. Find insights without perfect.

Humans are incomplete. No one is a perfect partner. Mistakes are part of all relationships. Use this time to identify and appear and do your best to change the pattern you want to change. Amy struggled to express her anger. She soon understood that her feelings were often justified, but she had to learn a new way to express herself without putting herself in her body. Amy devoted himself to treatment for several months to learn new anger management technology.

The role of treatment in reflexes after Leehwan

SLEF-Bram can be self-destructive. If you go to self -reflection, you may feel overwhelming, especially if your emotions are vivid. The therapist provides a safe space for expressing and exploring your feelings, challenges not helpful thought patterns, and can guide you with constructive growth. The treatment is never allocated. It is to learn how to understand yourself more deeply and build a healthier relationship in the future.

Advance with self -sympathy

“What did I do wrong?” It’s a natural part of handling the end of marriage, but it’s not a whole story. Instead of staying on a critical self -examination of your flaws, we aim to approach curiosity and kindness. Divorce is painful, but it can be an opportunity to grow, heal and rediscover. By converting your story from self -criticism to self -consciousness, you will be better to move into a new chapter of your life with elasticity and hope.

I know that if you explore these feelings, you are not alone. Support is possible and all the steps you take to understand yourself are the stage for healing.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2025