HMN 2024: Getting Closer to Ourselves and Others

Source: Kyle Johnson/Unsplash

Sometimes, we need to get closer to ourselves before getting closer to others. It’s not always true; it’s just something good to remember. Here are some suggestions regarding getting closer to ourselves.

• It means believing we can get closer to ourselves.
• It means wanting to get closer to ourselves.
• We then need to be able to see ourselves in a new way.
• It means being compassionate and kind about how we see ourselves.
• Lastly, our actions reflect what we see and accept about ourselves.

Getting Closer to Ourselves Can Be Hard

Recently, I received an opportunity to get closer to myself while participating in an exercise class. I was working out near a woman who I define in my mind as having arrested development, trapped in adolescence. I felt very comfortable with my psychological assessment, which kept me at an arm’s distance from her.

The instructor approached us to adjust our forms. As she continued with her incessant chatter, he turned to the both of us and said, “OK, there you are, running down endless rabbit holes in that wonderful brain of yours.” She laughed, obviously comfortable with his playfulness. I immediately noticed the difference between the instructor’s attitude and my smug diagnostic posture. After the class, I wondered if I could play with her like the instructor did. She certainly has enough teenage energy to engage. What would it take for me to act in a new way based on the awareness of my smugness?

The Path of Humility

I didn’t take long to figure out how to get closer to both her and me. It would call for some humility to disengage from my smug attitude. I don’t view humility as a virtue. It is a fundamental way to get closer to myself. The word humility comes from the word “humus, or ground.” I become more grounded in myself when I accept my genuine limits, neither pretending I have none nor that I have so many more than other folks.

To feign smallness means stepping into false modesty while pretentiously inflating ourselves, which moves us into arrogance. There’s no getting our right size absolutely correct. It simply means remaining curious about which direction you are presently leaning. It means being open to what behavior or attitude must be interrupted to get closer to the right size.

Be gentle with what you discover, whether it’s a tendency toward false modesty or arrogance. Initially, both strategies are aimed at supporting a need to belong and feel safe. As you undo your strategy, you will likely feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. The psyche does not treat belonging and safety lightly. One of the most potent psychological adjustments is the move out of one down or one up to simply being who you are. That transition can provide a sense of home and let you know where you belong.

Humility means being grounded in the truth of the gifts, strengths, or talents that were given to me. I had nothing to do with their existence. I am responsible for being grateful for them, developing them, and serving with them. To deny your gifts nudges you in the direction of false modesty, and to inflate them invites arrogance. Try not to get over-identified with your gifts. It will make it easier to remember the rest of you—your longings, regrets, defeats, love, and sorrow. It will also be easier to respond when someone wants a cup of soup unrelated to your gifts’ prowess.

Getting Closer to Others

Humility allows us to get closer to others because we let go of the pretense presented by false modesty and arrogance. We show up closer to who we are. Presentations are much closer to our strengths, weaknesses, triumphs, and defeats. Those of us prone to false modesty run the risk of others colluding with our duplicity. It’s easy to enjoy the guy going one down, clinging to adaption and accommodation. It provides more opportunities for others to be in control. Disgust rather than collusion is more likely when we present arrogantly.

I continue to enjoy my commitment to humility. Not as an attempt to be a better person. But simply as a way to get closer to myself and others. I’m noticing an evolving ease in getting closer to myself. I can laugh more at my charade of allegedly being bigger than life.