HMN 2024: Late-in-Life Parental Divorce Can Upend Adult Children’s Lives

Later-life divorce, also known as gray divorce, has been growing among couples aged 50 and older since 1990 in the U.S. and other industrialized countries. This significant societal shift creates far-reaching challenges, and not only for the divorcing parents. While there has been considerable focus on the impact of divorce on young children, adult children of divorcing parents face unique hurdles. They may grapple with shifting family dynamics, feelings of betrayal, and concerns about their parents’ well-being.

As a warm June morning dawned in Southern California, a message arrived on my office voicemail. The male voice sounded tense and distressed, emblematic of the pain he would later describe to me. “Dr. Hughes, my name is Alex. I’ve been reading your articles on about how gray divorce affects adult children. They echo my life themes after my parents divorced. I’m a mess. Could we schedule an appointment?”

The warm sunlight beamed through my office window behind Alex’s head like a halo. As he talked, I thought, “How appropriate! What an angel this young man has been for his family!”

Alex: A while ago, I was searching online for information about how your parents’ divorce affects you when it happens when you’re an adult. There isn’t much out there about that. Anyhow, after reading your articles at , I didn’t feel so alone and realized I was not crazy. That was a big relief. But I still feel so sad and unsettled, like something is gnawing at me.”

Carol: That gnawing feeling isn’t unusual, Alex. Our inner voice often communicates through our body, and we need to listen to it.

He grimaced as he continued.

Alex: Our family has always been very tight. I grew up in a very small city, where our father was a business owner and a former mayor, and our mother worked in City Hall. For as long as I can remember, my parents, my sister, her husband, kids, grandparents, and I lived in the same city. We celebrated every birthday, holiday, graduation, and such together in our parents’ home. I expected to do the same when I married and had kids.

Carol: You experienced what is common in many families. Throughout the years, your family has created its shared history. Even when young adults gain independence, they are still connected to their parents, sisters and brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other extended family. Families celebrate major holidays together. It is common for everyone to return to the family home or join the others at another relative’s house, such as the grandparents’ home. Families have their traditions that are familiar and valued by most or all members.

He focused on me as he listened. His eyes filled with tears that cascaded one by one down his face onto his shirt. He ignored them and continued.

Alex: Mom and Dad divorced in their 50s. They had been married for 30 years. I was 22, barely into my first job, and my sister was 26. We found out that my father had been having an affair with his assistant, and they later married. Of course, my mom was devastated, and my sister was furious with Dad. She had two sons, 3 and 5 years old. My sister refused to see Dad and didn’t allow him to see their kids, even for special occasions like holidays and birthdays. It rocked my world. They were my family. We were family! I kept thinking, “Our family will never be the same. My family is dead!” Day after every painful day, I couldn’t get that thought out of my head.

Carol: You were grieving the loss of your family as it had always been.

His eyes were locked on mine as if in a trance. He slowly repeated my words.

Alex: “Grieving the loss of my family, which had always been.” That feels very right. It felt like my family, as it had been, was gone forever. I imagined all the “never.” We will never be together for our family celebrations and traditions. We would never just hang out at my parents’ house and watch TV, do puzzles, play together in the yard, or bake cookies with my mom and throw the football with my dad.

Beyond feeling sad for myself, I felt excruciatingly sad for my two nephews for two reasons. In addition to my parents divorcing, six months later, my sister and brother-in-law divorced because my brother-in-law had been unfaithful. Their relationship had been on the brink for several years. It was true that he had never been a very involved dad and would probably be less involved after their divorce. Sadly, it proved to be true.

So, I decided to become the dad and grandfather my sweet young nephews were losing. I attended their school and athletic events, went to father-son events with them, and helped my sister and mom organize the traditional family events and celebrations. My nephews talked with me about the usual father-son and grandfather-son things.

Carol: You are a thoughtful and giving uncle. How do you think your nephews and you are doing 20 years later?

Alex: They are doing well. They are both living on their own now. I helped them a lot over the years, sharing an apartment with each of them and guiding them about their high school and post-high school career and relationship decisions.

But, you know, I have realized that I helped them be more squared away than I am. They both have long-term girlfriends and promising careers. I have a good career and close relationships with my mom and sister. But I’m 42 and have been in serial relationships my entire adulthood. I am not capable of having a successful relationship that lasts.

Slowly, emphasizing each word, as though pounding a drum in a funeral dirge, he said, “I can’t shake feeling so sad and unsettled. What is my problem?”

Carol: You’ve identified several reasons why you are struggling, Alex.

• At 22, you decided to assume the role of father and grandfather to your young nephews, which was caring and commendable. However, the role of father and grandfather required you to focus on your nephews’ well-being and development, not yours. This is what we call a role reversal. When a family is in crisis, it’s common for family members to assume roles beyond their age and experience.
• When your parents and sister divorced, you lost the strong family unit you had always known, which created myriad losses. You likely had little time to mourn all the losses you suffered and have what’s called unresolved grief, hence feeling so sad and unsettled.
• Very often, adult children who experience their parents’ later-life divorce start to doubt their ability to have and maintain a healthy, intimate relationship long-term. They think, “If my parents couldn’t make it work after all these years, why do I think I can? Maybe I’m not good relationship material. As the saying goes, ‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ “

Alex: So, what do I do now?

Carol: The good news is that it’s not too late to focus on your healing and growth. It takes some time and work, and people do it all the time.

Alex: Thanks for giving me the hope that I haven’t had before. I’m committed to the time and work. Let’s schedule my next appointment and get going.”

The patient’s name and details have been changed for privacy.

© 2024 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT