HMN 2025: 5 Lessons from Dry January, from a Sober Therapist

I had my last drink almost five years ago, on February 14, 2020. I saw it as a Valentine’s gift to choose self-love over chemically induced self-soothing.

But before that day came, I spent more than four years between sobriety and dependence, trying to break free from the shackles that alcohol had over me. During those four years, I had a hard time. I cried. I gave up many times, but got back up just as often.

Today, as I look back on that time in the dark, I am grateful that I didn’t just walk away from it in cold blood. I left with a gift to share with those I once had. In my last post, “I tried to quit drinking. “Here is what I did wrong.” I’ve covered five mistakes I made when I first tried to break away from my 10-year daily drinking ritual. And today I’m here to share five lessons I learned from one of the most difficult times of my life.

Lesson 1: Drive change with compassionate curiosity

It was through training to be a therapist that I realized that compassion, the opposite of tough love, was the key to creating long-lasting change. In fact, the biggest lesson I’ve learned as a therapist is that every behavior, no matter how problematic it may seem on the surface, has a positive intention behind it. for example:

• Reaching for junk food can be a way to find comfort when your emotions are heavy.
• Procrastinating a task may be a way to protect yourself from fear of failure.
• Pushing away someone we love may be a way for us to protect ourselves from vulnerability.

We often become dependent on alcohol because it serves a purpose in our lives. And because alcohol serves that purpose so well, we become overly dependent on it. Alcohol plays an important role in helping us relax, connect with others, have fun, and overcome difficult emotions.

So if we want to change the way we drink, we need to change alcohol instead of getting rid of it. And it starts with cultivating a compassionate curiosity about: What Alcohol Does to You.

Lesson 2: Resolve your inner conflicts by changing your mind

The second lesson I have learned as a therapist is that our thoughts shape our emotions and our emotions drive our behavior. In other words, our perception of alcohol is hidden behind our desire to drink.

When we try to quit or cut back, too often we only focus on changing our behavior without addressing the beliefs that drive it. This discrepancy creates an internal conflict—a tug-of-war between the goal of drinking less and the desire to continue drinking.

That’s when I changed my strategy and started focusing on uncovering the hidden beliefs I had about alcohol. By consciously upgrading my drinking to align with my goal of drinking less, saying I won’t drink becomes increasingly easier over time.

The best part is that I no longer feel deprived or nostalgic when I see other people drinking around me. When our desires are fully aligned with our actions, change becomes not only possible but sustainable.

Lesson 3: Set yourself up for success by understanding the process

As a therapist, I’ve taught myself a few things about how the human mind and behavior work, but my biggest lesson has come from understanding the process of getting sober – a process.

Many people think that giving up alcohol is like switching from one iPhone to another: it should be seamless and effortless. But the truth is that the process is as follows:

• Switch from walking to biking.
• Transitioning from a manual system to a computerized system.
• Speak only English and learn Chinese.

That means it involves a lot of firsts. Discomfort and overwhelm are expected, and some “mistakes” are common.

Understanding the process more clearly has made a huge difference to me. Suddenly I could see that my struggles were simply part of the process, not a statement about my abilities or character.

Quitting alcohol is a learning process in which we learn many new beginnings and new skills to achieve the purpose that alcohol once served in our lives. For example:

• Why not wind down your day without a glass of wine?
• Socializing without the social lubricant of alcohol.
• Falling asleep without the help of alcohol.
• Experience anxiety, sadness, and loneliness without having to numb them with alcohol.

It is important to remember that this is not a process that can happen overnight, and that difficulties and setbacks are simply part of the learning curve.

Lesson 4: Embrace Setbacks to Improve Faster

After understanding that getting sober was a learning process, I finally began to embrace the concept that challenges and setbacks were simply part of the journey and not a reflection of my personality or abilities. Falling off your bike after removing the training wheels doesn’t mean you’ll never learn how to ride, and slipping when you’re trying to quit drinking doesn’t mean you’re doomed to drinking forever.

By giving up alcohol, we are learning to rely on our inner strength to cope with life’s challenges. We are healing from the limiting belief that we need alcohol to help us be okay. This is courageous work, and it takes hard work and dedication to reap the rewards.

Here’s a little secret that many people don’t realize. Failure and success are on the same path. Success lies a little further down. The more “failures” you get, the closer you get to the prize money.

Lesson #5: Find your prize and continue your journey

Through this journey, I learned that quitting alcohol is not as easy as I thought. It takes practice and dedication, and often requires stepping out of your comfort zone and doing things differently for the first time. It might be your first time unwinding at the end of the day without a bottle of beer, socializing without a cocktail, or falling asleep without alcohol.

The key to continuing your journey is discover your product. Despite the inconveniences and difficulties, what will make it worth getting out of your comfort zone at the end of the trip? Take the time to get clear on what motivates you. Once you do that, you can let your deepest desires guide you forward.