HMN 2025: Assertiveness: It’s Not About Control

I went to my favorite coffee shop and anxiously waited for them to order my friend’s double espresso macchiato. I happily drank my tea, feeling a little guilty. He got up, walked forward, and asked what he wanted to drink. His orders were overlooked. He returned with his signature little coffee cup. My guilt gave way to admiration.

As a woman, assertiveness is not something I have always valued or tried to develop. I was afraid that if I tried what others called confidence, I would be seen as a privileged judgement.

My worries were unfounded. Women disproportionately experience ‘assertion backlash’, a construct that describes subtle and not-so-subtle ways to punish individuals’ attempts to speak out. And it’s not just a legend. Research supports this phenomenon. A recent study showed 223 participants videos of female and male agents demonstrating varying levels of assertive body language when speaking (Wessler et al., 2022). Even in this modest demonstration, dominant women were evaluated less favorably than dominant men.

But time has shown me the value of firm, clear, and direct communication. Initiative sometimes brings you coffee. I have come to appreciate assertiveness rather than seeing it as ‘mean’ or ‘bad’. I have invested time in cultivating my assertiveness style. Here are four common misconceptions about assertiveness and new perspectives.

Assertiveness is not strength. calf. Whether on the playground or in the office, many strong female leaders have been unfairly given this unkind title (Cianancetta, 2018). But assertiveness is not simply about telling others what to do; it is something that plays a crucial role in our communication, intentions, and expectations.

Assertiveness is clarity. When someone communicates directly, their message should ideally come across loud and clear. Clarity is a gift. Understanding what someone is asking or expressing is essential to effective communication and a key element of professional and personal relationships.

Assertiveness is not about judging others. Assertiveness is not about judging others harshly. Rather, clear communication can prevent resentment from building and prevent misunderstandings.

Self-assertion is honesty. Sometimes, to avoid making explicit claims, people engage in indirect communication, especially what we call ‘disguised demands’ in radically open dialectical behavior therapy (Lynch, 2018). Disguised demands can take many forms, from petty lies to feigning incompetence. These communication patterns tend to be damaging to relationships and are often dishonest.

Self-assertion is meaningless: The word ‘resolute’ brings to mind a person with a rough face and hands on both hips. However, confidence is often appreciated. When someone is assertive, we can communicate effectively. Additionally, unlike passive aggression, assertiveness does not usually indicate guilt on the part of the recipient.

Assertiveness is kindness. Assertiveness is an act of kindness to ourselves and others. Clear boundaries prevent burnout on both sides and show respect..

Assertiveness is not control. Unlike disguised demands, assertiveness is not about controlling another person’s behavior. We may be firm in our request, but ultimately it is up to the other person to decide whether or not they will accept the rules of engagement we offer.

Assertiveness is about trust. Honest and direct communication is one of the most basic expressions of trust. By being truthful and clear, we show that we recognize the other person as a capable human being.

conclusion

If you struggle with assertiveness, you are not alone. Steps such as practicing honest, clear, and direct communication can help you gradually hone these skills. Psychotherapy also provides an environment in which people can acquire assertiveness skills while challenging beliefs that may perpetuate a lack of assertiveness.

To find a therapist, visit: Therapy Directory.