HMN 2025: Problems with in-laws? Time for your spouse to go to work

The issue of in-laws is not a new concept. actually, 1954 Evelyn Duvall I wrote the first book about the mother-in-law’s dilemma. Most of the complaints were about daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law complaining to each other, and husbands/adults shrugging their shoulders or jokingly talking about the discord between the ‘two women in their lives’. Fast forward to today and this pattern is unfortunately much the same.

On TikTok and Instagram accounts, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are the center of mother-in-law feuds, while the men in these relationships (e.g. father-in-laws, sons-in-law, husbands) get off with nothing. This is unfortunate. This is because these accounts miss the opportunity to emphasize the importance of the “core” role played by in-laws in the development and maintenance of in-law relationships.

The key is to form an involuntary relationship between parents and daughter-in-law, and to play two roles in the daughter-in-law relationship: the daughter-in-law’s spouse and the adult child of the parents-in-law, and is essentially the glue that binds parents and daughter-in-law together. Because of their unique location, cores can help or hinder the quality of in-law relationships. This is important because research has shown that in-law relationships influence relationships with in-laws. Satisfaction with marriage with spouse (core) and Lynchpin’s relationship with his parents (In-laws). But fostering healthy in-law bonds requires clear communication, perspective taking, and boundary setting.

clear communication

Clear communication is important when trying to resolve conflicts, heal wounds, and set boundaries. But it can also be scary, especially when it comes to breaking or changing family communication patterns.

When discussing topics that may cause conflict or hurt parents’ feelings, it is important to create an atmosphere that is conducive to engaging and listening with empathy. Unless it’s an emergency, set up a time to talk rather than venting or venting to them. Also pay attention to tone of voice, nonverbal behavior, harshness, and sarcasm (e.g., eye rolling, sighing). This is a surefire way to end a conversation before it even begins.

Additionally, when bringing up the topic, it’s important to focus on the behavior rather than the person. Behaviors can change, but personality traits are more stable and harder to change. For example, “You’re always so critical of Emily! All you do is find faults in people. What is your problem?” “Mom, the last few times you visited the house, you criticized Emily’s decorating decisions. It breaks my heart to hear you being critical of her and to see her become discouraged. Especially when she takes so much care in making our house a home. Shall we talk about what drives these comments?”

It can also be helpful to talk about specific instances instead of using generalizing language like “always” or “never.” However, you do not need to raise all your complaints in one conversation. This is also known as “kitchen sinking,” and it can lead to a burdensome and defensive posture.

When discussing problems with your parents, use “I” or “we” language and frame it as a problem you or you and your partner are experiencing with your parents, thereby presenting a united front and throwing your partner under the bus. Please do not throw it away. For example, “Dad, I’ve noticed that you often dismiss Chad’s ideas when he makes suggestions…” Rules regarding screening times.”

Finally, understand that parents of a certain generation did not grow up in an environment where parents were criticized or expected to change and feelings were not discussed freely. Improving deep-rooted personal or family communication patterns may require multiple conversations or working with a licensed therapist as a family.

Taking perspective

At your core, you are intimately familiar with both your spouse and parents and have come to love (or tolerate) their characteristics. But what you see as an endearing idiosyncrasy or unchangeable trait, your partner may view as undesirable or even unhealthy behavior. Instead of ignoring your spouse’s behavior, it’s important to take perspective and try to see it from your spouse’s perspective. Certain behaviors described to family members as “what mom or dad were like” may indicate toxic relationship patterns for a spouse.

And while it’s important to listen when your spouse complains, it’s helpful to recognize the difference between a complaint and a criticism and when issues need to be addressed or acknowledged.

Renowned marriage researchers and educators, Drs. John Gottman and Juli Gottman; Complaints focus on a specific behavior or problem. Criticism is an attack on a person’s character. While complaints are a normal part of close relationships, criticism can escalate into unhealthy relationship patterns.

Just because your spouse complains (or criticizes) a parent doesn’t always mean you have to resolve it. For example, if your spouse criticizes your parents for things that don’t affect them or your life (such as how they maintain their Christmas tree all year or how their mom always says “it’s okay”), acknowledge this: That alone is enough. I know, those people are stupid! “But what can I do?”

However, if your spouse complains about harmful words or actions that directly affect your parents or your marriage, it is important to address the issue directly with your parents.

For example, if your spouse is bothered by your parents constantly coming to your house unannounced and allowing you to do so, it’s important to talk to your parents about it. “Mom, Dad, we love you and are glad to meet you. “You should call me before you stop by so I can have a little more privacy at my house and have some time to spend with you.”

setting boundaries

As Melissa Urban writes: book of vigilanceBoundaries are not about telling someone else what to do, but about communicating what you need or will allow. So, instead of saying, “Mom, we need to change our Christmas dinner schedule because we will be spending it with Lucy’s family,” say, “Mom, Lucy and I have decided to alternate our holiday schedule between our families. This year it’s our turn to spend Christmas with Lucy’s mom and stepdad. Can we figure out a good time to celebrate Christmas with you and Dad?”

Creating and maintaining boundaries can be intimidating. This is especially true if you come from a family that does not communicate openly or rejects parental demands. But your spouse (and your marriage) will thank you, and your parents will eventually join in. If your parents rebel or feel guilty, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings, appreciate their accommodations (even if they don’t), and maintain boundaries. For example, if you’re getting pushback in the Christmas scenario above, try the following response:

“We understand that this may be different and difficult than the way we have celebrated in the past. [acknowledging their feelings]However, we truly appreciate your flexibility and support in our efforts to develop our unique traditions and balance family obligations. [appreciating accommodation]. When you’re ready, call me to find another date. [holding your boundary]. i love you.”

Although it may be difficult to take it a step further and foster in-law relationships, their key role is vital to relationships with spouses, parents, and the entire family system.

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