Here’s What Being in a Polyamorous Relationship Is Really Like
I met Chris while I was away for the weekend, and came home to Sean and immediately broke down. I didn’t know how to handle being in love with Sean and simultaneously falling in love with someone else. I felt very conflicted, and was completely shocked when Sean said that he understood, and suggested I date both of them. I knew what polyamory was, but I never thought it was an option. I was blown away by the suggestion, and found it heartwarming that he cared enough about me to give me that. (Want to pick up some healthier habits? Sign up to get relationship advice and more delivered straight to your inbox!)
Giving It a Shot
Chris and I didn’t start dating right away—he had his own relationship to sort out—but we did eventually develop our relationship. I instantly took to the flexibility the polyamorous lifestyle affords. For me, wading into those waters came easily; my body is just not meant to be monogamous. Put simply, it just made sense to me because I was attracted to both men. My biggest concern was making sure everyone involved was practicing safe sex. Sean took to the lifestyle pretty naturally too, and began dating other women around the same time I started seeing Chris. After 2 years of dating each other, Sean and I got engaged. Sean and Chris had a talk about it beforehand, and I continued dating Chris despite my engagement.
Chris went on to be the best man at our wedding (he brought a date) but after a few years together, Chris and I ended our relationship amicably. But the experience made Sean and me realize that we wanted to continue being polyamorous. The lifestyle let us support one another and allowed us to be ourselves. It let us to make connections with other people, without any hard limits or boundaries. We also found that dating other people didn’t devalue our marriage in any way, because we felt just as connected as ever.
I met my current boyfriend, Morgan, 7 years ago on OKCupid. I was mourning the end of another relationship and decided to start dating again. Morgan came up as a match for me because he also listed a polyamory preference on his profile.
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Moving in Together
Morgan has been living with Sean and me for 2 years now. We selected our home specifically because it’s comfortable for all of us, and conducive to our lifestyle: It has two suites with private bathrooms and we also have a spare bedroom for guests—like Sean’s current girlfriend—who want to spend the night. In a way, I have two bedrooms. Even though I keep all of my clothes, and get ready for the day, in the room I share with Sean, and at the end of the night I pick where I want to sleep, with no prearranged schedule in mind.
“At the end of the night I pick where I want to sleep, with no prearranged schedule in mind.”
We have a sort of family dynamic at the house. We have shows that we all watch and often cook dinner together. If two of us go out to eat, we bring take-out back for the other. If I’m out of town, Sean and Morgan still hang out. They go to dinner with mutual friends and attend events together since they have a lot of similar interests, like collecting comic books.
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I find that jealously really manifests differently for each one of us, but I’m definitely the most envious out of the three. When I see Sean or Morgan date other women I find myself missing that new relationship energy (NRE)—which is a term that is very common in the polyamorous community. At the same time, seeing my partners date other people makes me want to recreate the NRE with them, and I find new and creative ways to do so.
“When I see Sean or Morgan date other women I find myself missing that new relationship energy.”
Different poly people have different ideas about how to honor NRE while practicing safe sex. I’m well educated about keeping safe, and a bit paranoid about it. When we meet new people, I require testing—I have a list of diseases I want my partners to be tested for, and I also provide my results. It is a little awkward at first, but it’s important.
Living Honestly
When it comes to the philosophy behind our lifestyle, some poly people say that they need a way to express their independence; others say it is unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all of your needs; others call it a natural way to not put limits on being attracted to other people. For us, it’s simply about living our lives honestly. I think that polyamory is inherently feminist because you’re able to honor whatever you want in a relationship.
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My coworkers know about my lifestyle; same with Sean’s and Morgan’s. Our families all know now, too. Sean and Morgan’s families are very understanding, and mine has come to embrace and accept everything. This past holiday season, Sean, Morgan and I took the same flight to see our families since they all happen to live in Northern California – I of course had the middle seat on the plane.
“I have a list of diseases I want my partners to be tested for, and I also provide my results.”
Having to explain polyamory to people who are unfamiliar with the idea, or have a knee-jerk reaction to things that are different, is really the only downside to our choice, but the pros heavily outweigh that con. I can see my partners’ happiness increase because the traditional relationship model doesn’t limit them. They are making the connections they want to make, and all of the other feelings that come with being attracted to others—like guilt and shame—are eliminated. Polyamory is a model that can be whatever you make of it—not what the government or a church thinks it should mean. I feel the same goes for a traditional marriage model; it’s whatever works for the individuals in the relationship.
My wedding with Sean was really more of a big party to celebrate our relationship. We didn’t have traditional vows; ours were simply to try really hard to honor our relationship. Sean and I decided to live the poly lifestyle before we got married, but I did make it clear that if he ever changed his mind, I would give it my best shot to remain monogamous to him, and he told me the same thing. The key is to respect individual differences, and at the end of the day that really is the basis of marriage: to promise to give it your best try. And it’s really working for us. We’re even talking about having another ceremony to include Morgan next spring.