‘I’ll Never Vent To A Friend About My Relationship Again—Here’s Why’

While I felt fine about my relationship again, I could tell my best friend did not. It also wasn’t the first relationship issue I’d ever unloaded on her. And without the proper context—a couple arguments, splayed against the backdrop of an otherwise happy relationship—she started to develop a view of my S.O., who she hadn’t met in person yet. (Get zen with the Slim, Sexy, Strong Workout DVD)

This is where we all get it wrong, says psychologist and counselor Karla Ivankovich, Ph.D. “Battles in a romantic relationship are often fleeting,” she explains. “But when we share those disagreements with friends, it cements these fights into a pattern of hurt that others perceive us to be experiencing.”

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When my bestie finally met my boy a few weeks later on a double date, she was practically predisposed to dislike him. I couldn’t blame her for feeling concerned. She was my sounding board for the negatives, while I generally glossed over the positives.

“It’s human nature to judge others, and your friends are looking out for your best interest,” Ivankovich says. “Repeated patterns of negativity may signal a much bigger problem to them.” 

That moment several years ago was a trigger point, which forced me to think about what I should and should not disclose to my friends about my relationship. My conclusion? For the most part, it’s best to stay mum.

I’ve been on both sides of this issue, as the venter and ventee. And while it might feel momentarily freeing to let your relationship grievances fly, I don’t put my friends in that tough position anymore. I don’t even ask for advice, which I inevitably wouldn’t take anyway, because my friend “doesn’t get it” or “can’t see the whole picture.” Because of course she doesn’t! She’s not in my relationship.

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But when you work things out with your partner after a thoughtful discussion, it won’t be any less frustrating for your confidante to have spent hours sorting through your personal problems when you were never planning on breaking up with him in the first place.

At the same time, complaining betrays your partner’s trust. Ivankovich says it’s important to think of how you’d feel if you discovered your boyfriend was talking sh*t behind your back. Not so great, right?

Occasionally, yes, you need to talk through problems with a friend, especially if it’s an ongoing issue with your partner; feedback can be helpful. But Ivankovich says that if you haven’t (or wouldn’t) say it in front of your partner, then you should bite your tongue to friends. (The exception to this: In cases of emotional or physical abuse, you should never, ever keep quiet.)

If you do voice an issue to your BFF, explain it in context. For instance, “Greg is great. He always does X and Y! But I’d value your input on Z.” Don’t just list problems. “You need at least a 1:2 ratio of negatives to positives,” says Ivankovich. “We get fixated on the negative, so you need to provide counterpoints. If all that your friends hear about your relationship are your problems, they have no other choice but to perceive your partner in a negative light.”

Just. Stop. Complaining. Write your annoyances in a letter or journal, and see if you’re even bothered in the morning. Nine times out of 10, you won’t be.