Is It Breaking ‘Girl Code’ to Stay Tight with Your Best Friend’s Ex?
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That’s where things get tricky, which is why we asked Burns for some guidelines for navigating this tough situation.
Consider Why They Broke Up
This is the biggie. If your friend was cheated on, abused, or her ex did something extremely hurtful or harmful, Burns says you should feel free to GTFO of that friendship and never speak to the dude again. On the flipside, if your pal’s bad behavior was to blame, you might have grounds to maintain amicable relations with the poor guy.
If the reasons for the split were neither here nor there, then you’ve got a case for remaining neutrally friends with both of them.
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Put Yourself in Her Shoes
If this were your breakup, how would you feel? Would you care if your bestie all of a sudden became a constant reminder of your ex’s existence? Seeing him hanging with mutual friends, hearing them mention his name, or seeing him pop up in Snapchat photos might send your friend into a heartbreak relapse, says Burns. Don’t be surprised if she needs to put some distance between herself and her ex. And if you and your mutual friends are all still hanging with him, keep the proof off of Instagram.
Stay Neutral
“You can still support your girlfriend without ex-bashing,” says Burns. “Friend duties sometimes involve telling your girl why she’s so much better off without him, but you can do this without hating on him. Avoid criticizing his character by making a statement such as, ‘I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t understand his behavior.’”
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You can also redirect the conversation toward her feelings and away from his, says Burns. Note that she didn’t seem as happy as she could be in the relationship and that she’ll meet someone better for her down the road.
What to Do if You Need to Pick Sides
If you want to continue a friendship with both your gal pal and her ex, you need to have an open conversation with her and let her know your intentions to remain friends with him. She may consent, and that’ll be that, and you live happily ever after. But be prepared for a different reaction.
“If it was a nasty breakup, she may be upset with your decision, and you’ll have to determine which relationship is more valuable to you,” says Burns.
So if everyone is down to be friends, then yes, of course it’s OK. Just talk it out with your peeps rather than assume anything, and you’ll know where you stand.