Kids need rules more than they need affection from parents

Structure is more important than affection for children to develop into secure and happy adults.

New York City psychologist Dr Lisa Damour said warmth and structure are crucial during childhood, but the latter is the most crucial.

That message contradicts what some parents get from popular culture, parenting guides and even other doctors.

But, according to Dr Damour, decades of psychological research have shown a common thread among happy adults: they all had boundaries set early on.

Structure is more important than affection for children to develop into secure and happy adults (stock image) 

TEENS WHO USE MOBILES AT NIGHT ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE DEPRESSED 

Teenagers who use their mobile phones at night suffer poor sleep and are more likely to be depressed, a study found. 

Parents should consider ‘digital curfews’ where their children are not allowed to use mobile phones or computers at night, according to the study’s researchers from Murdoch and Griffith universities in Australia.

The study of 1,101 youths aged between 13 and 16 found that adolescents who use phones after nightfall tend to have worse self-esteem, are more depressed and are worse at coping with problems.

They are also more likely to engage in aggressive behavior, the research adds. 

Dr Damour explained that there are four general types of parents: 

• Authoritative: high on both structure and warmth
• Authoritarian: high on structure, low on warmth
• Permissive: low on structure, high on warmth
• Neglectful: low on both structure and warmth

Authoritative parents who provide structure and affection in their kids’ daily lives are considered to be the most ‘optimal,’ leaving children the most well suited for adulthood.

‘Children and teenagers need both warmth and structure at home,’ she told Daily Mail Online.

‘Some days most parents find themselves being more structured, and on other days they’ll find themselves being very warm. It’s the mix of the two that we hold out as the ideal in parenting.’

However, she said the second-best option is when children have strict rules at home, even if this means there is a lack of affection.

When kids are raised in a household with high expectations and strict rules, she said, they may be less happy, but they will have the tools they need to grow into functional adults.

‘Kids really deserve to get warmth at home, but these children and teenagers do gain the benefit of having high and clear expectations at home,’ Dr Damour explained. 

And though some households might lack warmth at home, it can come from other places, including other family members or friendship.  

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The next best thing, she explained, are children raised with a lot of affection from parents even if there’s a lack of discipline.

‘They may enjoy a lot of warmth at home which is, of course, a great thing,’ she said. 

New York City psychologist Dr Lisa Damour (pictured) said warmth and structure are crucial during childhood, but the latter is the most crucial

‘But they can struggle to manage the demands of the outside world if their parents don’t have or maintain rules and expectations.’ 

She said the lack of rules can make a child ill prepared for adulthood, potentially stunting development.

The worst case scenario is when children are raised with neither.

‘Not surprisingly,’ Dr Damour said, ‘They tend to be the kids who are most likely to struggle.’ 

Social media has been a ‘game changer’ for teens and their parents, according to Dr Damour.

She explained that it can cause rifts between parents and children, because teenagers have 24/7 social lives, and parents have unprecedented details about those lives. 

‘We are the first generation of parents who can (and does) monitor what would otherwise be private peer conversations and track our teenagers’ physical locations,’ she said. 

Social media, though, has been a ‘game changer’ for teens and their parents, according to Dr Damour (stock image)

Because of this, she explained, it’s important for even the best parents to ‘not always assume that it’s best to have as much information as possible.’ 

Children, particularly teenagers, want rules and structure from their parents despite saying they don’t. 

Without it, or when it is inconsistent, children are more likely to feel unsettled or anxious. 

Dr Damour has two daughters, and said she’s got a few hard and fast rules, but more general advice.

‘It’s always best for parents to appreciate adolescence as a difficult developmental time that a teenager is going through, not something that the teenager is doing to the parent,’ she said. 

‘When parents can take teenage behavior less personally, things tend to go more smoothly.’ 

She also explained that the best relationships between child and parent happen when both parties try to understand where the other is coming from.