The women who never make love with the lights on

Most couples feel secure in the knowledge that in the marital bedroom, they can truly be themselves. 

It’s a place where they can undress, sleep and make love in their private sanctuary, away from the rest of the world.

But an increasing number of women no longer view the bedroom as such a place. Somewhat alarmingly, it has become an environment charged with anxiety, fear and – most troublingly of all – shame.

Sheila Inns (left), 34, of Abingdon, who works part-time in a bank, only has sex in the dark with her husband of five years Paul (right), 41

None of these feelings are aimed at their loved ones. Rather, such punishing sentiments are directed squarely at themselves. 

At the heart of the problem is such a loathing of their bodies that they refuse to make love with the lights on.

Surrounded by an image-obsessed world, they’ve come to see their imperfections – saggy breasts, cellulite, Caesarean scars and ‘mum tums’, the ubiquitous battle scars of life and ageing – as too disgusting to be seen, even by those who love them unquestioningly. 

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Not surprisingly, their sex lives are suffering. A study published earlier this month revealed that one in four women are so embarrassed by their naked bodies, that sex has to take place with the lights off – or not at all.

The findings also revealed how two in every three women hated seeing themselves naked, with 60 per cent of women avoiding their reflection in the mirror when getting undressed. 

Sheila says that the sight of her naked, post-baby body makes her feel as if she is ‘letting her husband down’

While undeniably sad for those involved, relationship counsellor and therapist Keren Smedley says the shame is a vicious cycle: they feel ashamed for feeling ashamed when to the outside world they have everything to make them happy – which leads to yet more feelings of self-loathing.

Yet the expectancy to ‘let it all out’ and be totally comfortable naked is a relatively new phenomenon. 

A few generations ago, especially when many families shared rooms, sex nearly always occurred in the dark – and quietly!

It’s only nowadays that we’ve become expected to be a nation of exhibitionists.

‘Since the availability of contraception and the feminist movement of Sixties and the Seventies, women were encouraged to value their bodies just as they were, and the lights went on,’ says Keren. ‘And were expected to stay on.

‘It isn’t something my parent’s generation would have done. Before World War II, it would have been considered scandalous and seedy in middle-class society.’

Sheila, who gave birth to a daughter Emily in 2015, is ashamed of her breasts which have gone from 34C to a ‘droopy 34B’ (pictured on her wedding day in December 2011)

But all this ‘show and tell’ has come at a price. Nowadays, with photo-sharing websites and skimpy, figure-hugging clothing, we all seem to have a fairly good idea what each other would look like naked, and inevitably we’re making comparisons.

‘Today, ordinary middle-aged women continually fall into the trap of comparing themselves to seductive images of actresses and models on social media, selling them the dream of the perfect body.’

Sheila Inns knows it’s ridiculous, but the sight of her naked, post-baby body makes her feel as if she is ‘letting her husband down’. 

And that is why she can’t bear to let him see it, no matter how much he reassures her.

On the rare occasions they do make love, it is always done with the lights off – and she wears a substantial nightdress ‘just in case’.

Sheila, 34, who works part-time in a bank, has been married to Paul, 41, an electrician for five years and they live in Abingdon, Oxfordshire.

‘For the first three years of marital life, things were blissful in the bedroom,’ says Sheila. ‘We’d make love anywhere and everywhere at home.

‘That the lights were on wasn’t a problem for me. I was proud of my body, especially my legs and breasts.’ 

Rachel Gibson, a size ten, ‘outwardly confident’ 34-year-old, has sought professional help over her reluctance to allow her husband, John (both pictured), to see her without her clothes on

Yet everything changed after Sheila gave birth to their daughter, Emily, at the start of 2015. 

‘I breastfed my daughter for ten months. While I’ve no regrets, my breasts were a 34C, now they’re a droopy 34B. The skin is flat as if there is no tissue in them. It’s nothing short of devastating.’

Since then, she says, their love life has virtually gone on hold.

‘I don’t feel my body is as it should be for my husband. I don’t feel like making love at all. Paul is very understanding that it isn’t something I’m keen on right now.’

At the back of Sheila’s mind is the nagging fear that she might pass on her negative body image fixation to her daughter.

But still, it is making her think twice about having another baby, because of the further body ‘damage’ that might do.

Therapist Lizzie Falconer says women like Sheila can quickly become entrenched in their negative self-image, making the problem more difficult to crack.

The couple have been together for 13 years and have three children: Jack, 11, Max, six, and Amy, three

‘Middle-aged women can very quickly become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable about their figure,’ she says. If they don’t address this negativity, they’ll start to think that being ashamed of their body is normal.

‘The problem is that women nowadays – especially those in their 30s and 40s – were brought up on a diet of slim models of the Nineties, defined by flat stomachs and small breasts.

‘Think of Naomi Campbell and Elle Macpherson as the aspiring examples for women of this generation. There just weren’t any larger role models. 

Even more worryingly, the negative feelings can become so ingrained, even weight loss or a correction of the perceived problem will have little impact, with women just switching their negativity onto another ‘imperfection’.

In 2014, Rachel Gibson, a size ten, ‘outwardly confident’ 34-year-old, sought professional help over her reluctance to allow her husband, John, to see her without her clothes on.

The couple have been together for 13 years and have three children: Jack, 11, Max, six, and Amy, three.

Yet the thought of making love to John in other than a pitch-black bedroom fills Rachel with horror.

Rachel feels self-conscious about her loose skin after going from a morbidly obese size 34 to a size 10 (pictured on her wedding day in May 2012)

Despite having cognitive behavioural therapy (which helps you recognise and change negative thought patterns), she says her bedroom routine hasn’t changed. 

Not only has John still not seen her naked, but the number of times they’ve had sex – in the dark – can be counted on one hand.

‘A typical evening sees our children tucked up in bed by 9.30pm,’ says Rachel. ‘We’ll watch a movie together and I’ll fall asleep on the sofa.

‘John will then go to bed first, inevitably sulking because he’ll already realise there’s zero chance of sex.

‘I’ll sneak up to join him at 2am when he’s asleep, having changed into jogging bottoms and a hooded top.

‘Even though he’s always sympathised with how I feel about my body, I have to remind myself he has needs, too.’

Not only has John still not seen her naked, but the number of times they’ve had sex – in the dark – can be counted on one hand

Rachel puts her lack of confidence down to a dramatic weight loss eight years ago.

Ironically, back then, as a morbidly obese size 34, she says her sex life was ‘healthy and regular’.

Today, weighing 10st 13lb and half the size she was, in clothes Rachel has an enviable figure. 

Yet the loose skin caused by her intense weight loss has drained her self-confidence in the bedroom far more than being fat ever did.

‘Unfortunately, I’m not entitled to have any work done on the NHS to correct this and it would cost approximately £32,000. I don’t have access to such funds, so I’m stuck with this hideous body.

Ironically, Rachel says her sex life was ‘healthy and regular’ before she shed the stones

‘What I hate most is what’s happened to my breasts. I’ve gone from a curvaceous 40DD to a 34A. They’re like empty sacs and I feel unfeminine.

‘When we do make love, it is strictly on my terms. John does sulk about it, which makes me feel even worse, because I love him so much and adore making him happy. 

But this feeling of revulsion is just so powerful that I can’t see a way through it. I know it shouldn’t matter – it’s what you do with your body that counts – but it does.

‘The last time we did have sex was two months ago and only under a strict set of provisos. The light had to be off and he wasn’t allowed to touch me anywhere else.’

Rachel is confident John would not stray: there is one area of their relationship where she feels secure and that’s John’s love and respect for her. But she acknowledges his patience is being sorely tested.

John, a mental health nurse, describes his feelings as pure exasperation: ‘I don’t understand why she can’t see what everyone else sees. Every day I try to reassure her with kisses and cuddles. Yet I still get brushed away.

‘I respect her too much to go against her wishes by touching her or putting the light on.

‘It’s not only putting her under pressure, it’s putting pressure on our relationship, too.’

Teaching assistant and mother Claire Merchant, 40, has three children aged 16, 11 and four months. 

She recognises that she has fallen prey to the endless comparisons that social media allows her to make.

Teaching assistant and mother Claire Merchant (pictured), 40, has three children aged 16, 11 and four months. She feels touchy about her ‘stretch marks, awful breasts and a Caesarean scar on my tummy with an overhang’

‘I follow celebrity mums on Instagram to pick up tips about getting my pre?baby body back. I know they often manipulate their images yet I do suffer jealousy pangs because their bodies look so good after having recently given birth, while mine doesn’t.

‘But when I realise I’ve wasted an afternoon lingering over such pictures, I get cross with myself. I should be focusing on what I do have, a loving partner and three happy, healthy children. But then I get undressed and my resolve is blown apart.

‘I despair at what I look like naked. I’ve got stretch marks, awful breasts and a Caesarean scar on my tummy with an overhang. From every angle my naked body is awful. These days I could never parade around naked or in even just my underwear.

‘My partner gets very cross with me when I denigrate myself in this way. He tells me he loves me the way I am.’

Claire has been with her partner for three years. When they met, she was a confident 9 st. After giving birth earlier this year, she weighed 12st. 

Today she’s 10st, but it’s a sharp contrast to the body Claire says she had in her 20s.

‘I had full, pert breasts and I’d wear a bikini in front of anyone. Today, when I buy summer clothes, the first thing I ask myself is: will they cover up all of my stretch marks?’

While Claire maintains that the physical side of her relationship with her partner hasn’t diminished, she no longer allows him to see her naked.

‘Before our baby arrived, there were times when the light was on, but now it’s an absolute no-no.

‘I get very cross with my partner if he enters our bedroom while I’m undressing.

‘I won’t have a bath with our baby son because my partner will come in and want to coo over him.

Rachel says she hates that her breasts have gone from a curvaceous 40DD to a 34A and says they are like ’empty sacs’

‘When we are intimate, I won’t let him touch, let alone look at, my tummy.

‘He’s full of compliments, but this body isn’t the real me.’

Keren Smedley cautions that if women like Claire are not listening to their partner’s assurances that their body is fine, they could be shoring up problems for the future.

‘They need to ask themselves: “Who do I want a perfect body for?” If your partner is constantly telling you he thinks you look great and he doesn’t mind your cellulite, then why are you so unhappy? Who, or what, are you striving for?’

Yet it’s not all bad news in Britain’s bedrooms. Lizzie Falconer believes mothers needn’t worry about their daughters taking on their insecurities.

From what she’s seen, today’s generation of girls are growing up with a healthier attitude to nudity and perceived ideas of ‘perfection’, and consequently are very much a ‘lights on’ bunch.

‘Luckily, today’s teenagers and the millennials are incredibly switched on about how celebrities use and manipulate social media for their own needs,’ says Keren.

‘They know that the images online are mainly fantasy.

‘This generation recognises that healthy and curvy should be their priority. They have already seen, from following the antics of car-crash reality stars, that cosmetic surgery won’t change everything for the best either.’

Words of wisdom their mothers would be well advised to take on board for their own sakes and that of their husbands, too.