Understanding And Preventing Marital Burnout: Client Self-Care Strategies Offering Cure And Prevention

Sylvan and Marian were each in their late thirties. Married for twelve years, they had two children, ages 10 and 8. Each also worked outside of the home. Sylvan managed a trucking company; his employer demanded constant availability and relentless work. Marian taught fourth grade. “Each of us has so many responsibilities, no time to rest, and no quality time together,” Marian told me during our first appointment. Her husband’s words were also telling, as well as predictable: “We are constantly exhausted and then, when we have a little time together, we pick on each other, as never before. It seems we are no longer friends on the same team.” “Then there’s this third active participant in our marriage,” said Marian, holding up her I-Phone. “It is always there, and Sylvan is afraid not to respond to his boss’s constant intrusions in our family life and time.” Sylvan nodded to this truth, explaining, “I can’t afford to be fired.”

Here’s how burnout in the lives of this couple ended: Sylvan was an excellent employee, severely underpaid and taken advantage of. He would not easily be replaced, and even in a tough job market, his skills and work ethic made him highly employable. He built the confidence to tell his boss that due to his many responsibilities, an assistant to him must be hired, and that unless calls in the evenings and weekends were of an emergency nature, they would have to wait until the next day or the end of the weekend. Further, he said a raise was essential. The strategy worked because of Sylvan’s newfound confidence and his employer’s realization that Sylvan would no longer be taken advantage of and was not easily replicable. In addition, the couple promised themselves and each other an important and intimate addition to their life together — regular “date nights.”

Stacey and Dave: The Toll of Compassion Fatigue

Stacey was a doctor who worked in a cancer center for children, and Dave was an accountant. They were in their mid twenties, newly married, and hoped to begin a family within the next few years. Stacey would return home during her workweek and withdraw from her husband, turning to several glasses of wine until sleep came.