Wedding Planning As A Fatherless Bride

There were also the awkwardly painful but well-meaning questions: “Are your parents excited about the wedding?” and “Does he get along with your dad?” and “Will your dad be walking you down the aisle?” How the hell do you even respond to that?

I’d try to remind myself that they didn’t mean any harm when someone I barely knew would decide to tell me how important it was to include my father in the event. (Once I was even lectured when I answered that, no, my dad wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle.) But sometimes, when I just couldn’t fake a smile in order to save the other person’s feels, I’d respond with, “Well, actually, I lost my dad.” And then the crickets would chirp. 

It wasn’t just people putting their feet in their mouths that stirred up the grief though. One time while we were checking out possible wedding locations, my now-husband Ian and I had gone to a park with a view of the water that I went to regularly with my family while growing up. Ian and I stood there, holding hands, pretending to be in the middle of our vows, when I suddenly burst into ugly crying. Dad. That was where I had memories of Dad. Memories from when there wasn’t a hole in my family.

Grief likes to strike at unexpected moments. A friend of mine whose dad died when she was young said she made it through all of the wedding planning without a single tear. But, after she’d put on her dress, the fact her dad wasn’t going to be there punched her in the gut. She said her maid of honor encouraged her with: “Once the ceremony’s over, there’s alcohol.” 

Some people suggested doing something to honor my dad at the wedding—lighting a candle, taking a moment of silence, or displaying his picture—and I know that for some brides and grooms this provides comfort, but I knew for me it would just bust that hole where my dad’s supposed to be wide open. And that spot was already pretty raw.

For me, keeping the focus on the fact that I was marrying someone I was in love with was actually a way of honoring and remembering my dad because Dad wouldn’t have wanted to steal the show. And it’s not like I was going to forget that he wasn’t among my wedding guests.