What It’s Like When You’re Out, but Your Same-Sex Partner Isn’t
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“They were pro LGBTQ as long as it wasn’t in their house,” says Sarah. “I knew if they found out, it was going to blow up.”
As a result, Sarah was nervous about meeting Lily’s parents for the first time, figuring her masculine appearance would give away the truth about their relationship. The pair decided to pretend they were “just friends” during the first meeting.
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Lily’s parents seemed happy to believe the ruse. But three months into their relationship, Sarah’s mom died unexpectedly. When Lily told her parents she was going to the funeral, they grew suspicious and asked if it was because they were “more than friends.” When Lily cautiously implied that yes, that was the case, her mother promised to disown her, saying that when she returned from the funeral, she should pick up her belongings outside their house.
As a result, Lily later lied to her parents and told them they’d misunderstood, and that Sarah was really just her “best friend.” After that, the couple kept their relationship a secret from Lily’s family for two and a half years, which Sarah says put a tremendous amount of stress on the relationship.
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“Her father vowed to never walk her down the aisle, unless it was towards a man,” says Sarah. “When her extended family would ask if she was dating anyone, she’d tell them no. I wasn’t allowed at any family events…We never had a chance.”
Eventually, the issue forced the couple to split up. “Finally, it came down to Lily saying, ‘I can either be with you and lose my entire family, or keep my family and never be with you how I want to be,’” Sarah says. “I didn’t want to be the reason she was unhappy.”
Sarah and Lily’s story is heartbreaking, but sadly, it isn’t unique. Coming out can be extremely difficult for people whose families aren’t supportive—especially young people, who still depend on their families to provide for their basic needs. According to truecolorsfund.org, an alarming 40 percent of the 1.6 million homeless youth in America identify as LGBT, and many of them live on the streets as a result of being rejected by their families. Even for financially secure adults, the threat of losing the emotional support of your entire family can be seriously scary stuff.
“It’s important to emphasize that this dynamic—of one member of the couple being out and the other not —is about safety more than anything else,” says Jen Warner, LCSW, a therapist and social worker who specializes in working with the LGBTQ population.
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“Most people have chosen not to come out to friends and family because they do not feel safe doing so,” says Warner. “Even if they do not feel physically threatened, they may feel emotionally unsafe and fearful that they will be verbally harassed or ostracized from those they love and hold dear.”
Warner points out that the dynamic may impact the couple’s ability to engage socially and publicly, for fear of being seen together. And that can impact each individual’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth, like it did for Sarah. “When individual self-esteem is affected, it naturally affects the dynamic of the couple,” says Warner.
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Despite the fact that these challenges are likely to deeply affect both partners, and can potentially be frustrating for the already-out partner, Warner reiterates that it’s essential to remember the importance of feeling safe.
“Conversation should center around exploring the fears and concerns, not dismissing them as irrational or unreasonable, and then working to build safety where it didn’t exist before,” says Warren. She adds that building a support network that includes the friends and family of the already-out partner, reading and watching queer-affirming books, films, and documentaries, and connecting with others via social media can all serve as powerful tools in building that safety net and reminding individuals and couples struggling with these issues that they’re not alone.
Thirty-three-year-old Mia*, whose partner wasn’t out in her early 20s, told WomensHealthMag.com that even though the secrecy could be difficult, it was never hard for her to be empathetic towards her girlfriend.
“Since I struggled with coming out myself, I was always understanding, and tried to be supportive,” says Mia. “We didn’t really fight about it. We talked multiple times, of course, and we had a good understanding of where we both were coming from even though it wasn’t easy.”
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However, Mia says that she doesn’t think staying with someone who wants to remain in the closet would be sustainable indefinitely. “As time goes on, you might start questioning your partner’s long-term commitment,” she says. But she also added that she believes it’s important to remain sensitive to people’s circumstances, and that she doesn’t think that not being out is a good reason to immediately dismiss dating someone. And that’s a notion that Dr. Warner agrees with.
“The decision to not come out to family and friends and colleagues is based on perceived threat,” says Warner, suggesting that living in a state of fight-or-flight for too long would be damaging not only to the individual, but also to the couple. “Constant perceived threat or fear for one’s safety makes the days seem like an obstacle course, rather than something to savor and enjoy,” she says.
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“But the feeling of safety and trust can’t be rushed,” says Warner. “It must be built. And a couple that is willing to do this work together is a couple that has also built a solid foundation for a lasting, loving, respectful long-term relationship.”
*Names have been changed at the subject’s request.