11 Salad-Hating Men Share Their Honest Reactions to Trying Health Foods for the First Time

This article was written Caroline Praderio and provided by our partners at Eat Clean.

If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk. But if you give your Doritos-loving boyfriend a swig of kombucha…well, things get pretty interesting. We know this because we recently rounded up a group of guys who are blissfully ignorant about the clean-eating world—we’re talking Leslie Knope-esque revulsion for salads—and asked them to try some of the hippest health foods out there. Here, their candid reactions:

Kefir
“Kefir—sounds like reefer. Is this gonna make me fail a drug test?”?—Zack, 25, Miami, Texas

Sardines
“This tastes like cat food.” [Pause] “Yep, it feels like I’m eating Fancy Feast.  If this gives me food poisoning like those oysters did, I’m going to kill you.”?—Mike, 33, Brooklyn

90 Percent Dark Chocolate
“It feels like I’m chewing on some dirt. But kinda dry dirt, like, it-rained-yesterday dirt. Or, like, it’s early in the morning and there’s a little bit of dew on the dirt—but only a little bit.”?—Bobby, 23, New York

Kombucha
“The taste wasn’t nearly as bad as the smell. But I won’t drink it again unless I’m desperate. I don’t need to be that healthy.”?—Evan, 27, Doylestown, Pennsylvania

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Kohlrabi
“What the f*ck is that? Which part of it do I eat? It’s like a combination of an onion and bok choy. Am I too good for this experiment because I know bok choy?” [Takes a bite.] “It’s not a potato. It has a little more flavor than a potato maybe, but I don’t know what the flavor is. Vegetable?”?—Jimmy, 29, New York

Kabocha Sqaush
“It scares me.”?—Ben, 28, New York

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Unsweetened Almond Milk
[Sips, frowns, coughs] “Whoa. That’s so weird. It has, like, this afterglow—which I don’t like at all, for the record. It’s what I imagine those really dirty-looking puddles on the corner of the street would taste like. It’s like puddle water.”?—Robert, 23, New York

Cricket Protein Bar
“As I was eating it, I was just like, why am I eating coffee? This tastes like cold coffee. I tried to finish it, but I just didn’t want to. You can’t even taste the crickets or anything.”?—Nick, 25, New York

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Artichoke Water
“Number one, it’s frothy. Nothing should be frothy.” [Sips] “Okay, it wasn’t as disgusting as I expected, but it’s not good. It tastes like weak toothpaste. There’s no possible need for artichoke water. Artichokes? Good. Water? Good. Combining the two? No.”?—Brian, 40, Zionsville, Pennsylvania

Kale Smoothie?
“Oh, it’s good! I can definitely taste kale. I didn’t realize kale had so much flavor, but it’s definitely the dominant flavor I’m tasting. Right, does kale have flavor?”?—Kyle, 27, Syracuse, New York

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Matcha
“Light, peaceful, refreshing, soothing.” [Pause] “Oh, the taste? That’s tough. Nothing really comes to mind. But it doesn’t taste like piss! Probably contains a lot of healthy shit that can only help you.”?—Matt, 27, Brooklyn