14 Things We Wish Men Knew About Pregnancy
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1. “We” Are Not Pregnant
You had an orgasm; we have to carry an ever-growing parasite that will feed on our energy, alter our body, and mess with our emotions. Oh! And then we get to push it out of our vagina or have it surgically removed.
2. We Need to Hear “You’re Beautiful” at Least Once a Day
Even the tiniest, most gorgeous pregnant woman ever still feels like a sideways camel on the regular.
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3. We’re Obsessed with the Current Size of the Baby
Last week, the baby was the size of a lemon. OMG, now it’s a rutabaga!!! Get. Excited. Or at least pretend to be.
4. Hormones Are a Bitch
Sure, you’ve heard this before, but did you really pay attention? Imagine you at your pubescent worst, times 10. That’s how we feel. So don’t take it personally when we start sobbing because you forgot to buy bread.
5. We’re Not Disabled
You should absolutely offer to help carry things, but you should also back the eff off immediately when we insist on doing it ourselves. Arguing that we shouldn’t be carrying a two-pound beach chair is a one-way ticket to a night on the couch.
6. We’re Tired AF
You got us tickets to a late-night movie? That’s so sweet…provided “late night” = 6 p.m. since bedtime is now about, oh, 8 p.m. these days.
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7. Hands Off the Belly During Sex
Something is doing regular gymnastics in there and, trust us, feeling your kid squirm while you’re getting busy is a major boner killer.
8. “Big,” “Round,” and “Growing” Should Be Struck from Your Vocab
You know we’re getting big. We know we’re getting big. The guy at the coffee shop knows we’re getting big. This is the only time in your relationship where lying is perfectly appropriate. “You can barely tell you’re pregnant!” goes a looong way, even if it’s clearly a blatant lie.
9. Don’t Touch the Boobs. Seriously.
Sure, those fun bags have swollen to proportions you’ve only dreamed of, but imagine if that happened with your testicles in a matter of months. Doesn’t sound so good now, does it? So look but don’t touch unless you get explicit permission—and then proceed with extreme caution.
10. Our Lady Parts Hurt
Imagine an ever-growing weight constantly bearing down on your balls. Sounds fun, right? That’s how our vagina feels.
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11. We Have No Idea When This Baby Will Arrive
And we could really do without you asking if we could “hold off” until after your super important rec league kickball championship game.
12. We’re Secretly Spazzing About Childbirth
Labor is never going to be as fun as…pretty much anything else, and that’s a fact that’s pretty clear to everyone involved. So keep calm, carry on, and do whatever the hell it is we want you to do when the moment arrives. And please, unless we explicitely ask: NO VIDEO CAMERAS.
13. Celebrities Are Freaks of Nature
Know how Chrissy Teigen was wearing cut-offs and a crop top a few days after giving birth? Yeah…that’s not real life.
14. You’re Living in a No-Sex Zone, Post-Baby
…For six weeks or so, doctor’s orders. And don’t be surprised if we decide to increase that by a few more months—it’s our prerogative after giving birth to a human life. Also, while some new moms may be down to dole out regular BJs in between diaper changes, feedings, and zero sleep, now is probably a good time to get reacquainted with your hand.
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