4 Things You’re Insecure About That Guys Don’t Even Notice

You know the look: wide eyes, clenched jaw, labored breathing. He has no idea what to say. All this because you’ve complained about a physical flaw, and he has absolutely no clue what you’re talking about. Does he admit ignorance, or would that be dismissive? Does he pretend he understands, or will that unnecessarily enhance your insecurity? …

…Well, I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you! Anyway, while he’s trying to wipe that clueless look off of his face, take a gander at a few of the physical “flaws” you stress over—that we simply don’t notice.

1. Split Ends
At least 47 times in my life, a girl has attempted to explain to me what a “split end” is. Each time, it ends with her nearly gouging my eye out with a lock of her hair as she holds it up to my face and yells, “NOW DO YOU SEE?!” And each time, it’s only out of fear for my own depth perception that I whimper, “I get it! Okayokayokay, the ends are split! Can we go to Chipotle now?”

2. Cellulite
I’m pretty sure cellulite’s made up, even though it’s alluded to in most Cathy strips I’ve read, as well as every episode of Ally McBeal I’ve seen (which is to say the entire extended universes of Cathy and Ally McBeal, including the fan-fiction crossover I created myself). It sounds more like something out of Battlestar Galactica than any real bodily affliction, but either way, men aren’t seein’ it, so kick back, relax, and please read my Cathy-McBeal spec script! Here’s a preview: “Aaaack! Dancing baby hallucination!”

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3. Blemishes
Ha ha, ladies! Nice try. This one is definitely made-up. You think I don’t know my European history? Blemish was an independent nation until it got overtaken by France and Belgium in the 1300s. Or it was split into The Czech Republic and Slovakia. I can’t remember, but they’re the ones with the waffles.

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4. Stray Eyebrow Hairs
For a long time, when a girl told me she needed to “do her eyebrows,” I just assumed she was born without any and needed to apply prosthetics. So when I found out there are tiny stray hairs on girls’ eyebrows that they feel the need to remove, I was so taken aback that I had to unpeel and re-adhere my eyebrows higher up on my forehead in order to express surprise!

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