4 Ways to Break Free From a Shameful Prison

Shame. The word itself has connotations that make it part of the English language I would rather ignore. “I have shame” is the only thing more uncomfortable to say. Sometimes it is comforting to know shame is something almost everyone struggles with.

Society, parents, media and cultural groups all try to guide young children in a moral direction, but inevitably create shame in some form or another.

For me, shame is the belief that not only have I done something bad, but I am bad at the core. This lead to insecurities, inauthentic behavior, and a prison within my own head.

My shame put me in real prison. I felt that I needed to steal historical documents in order to feel loved and accepted by a woman living thousands of miles away.

A secret I couldn’t tell anyone was eating me up inside. I made bad choices, I paid the consequences, but I learned a few insights along the way.

1. Shine the light
   Each one of us has a “shadow”, which is the part that we hide, deny, and repress. The psychologist Carl Jung theorized that by shining a light on the shadow, it ceases to have as much power and slowly it begins to recede.

   If there is something you feel shameful about, try to speak with your friends and family about it. Sometimes it might feel so shameful that you have to tell strangers instead. Do that in a safe and non-judgmental container (authentic relating, circling, and mankind project are all good choices) and you will realize that it isn’t so bad to share your story.

   Shame around sex has made 50 Shades of Grey uncomfortable to me. The portrayal doesn’t mix with my perception of sex, but simply writing about it in this article makes me feel more at ease.

   Be careful to know your boundaries and respect yourself, but once you do share with others, the power of your shame diminishes. As you tell more people, you will slowly give the shame far less power over your actions.

2. Affirmations
   It is easy to get lost in our shame even when there are so many positive attributes in us. Re-affirm the things about yourself that are important and positive. The biggest affirmation you can use is simply “I love myself.” Kamal Ravikant wrote Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, which is nothing more than a lesson on how and why to repeat “I love myself” as often as you can. Whenever you feel yourself insecure and uncomfortable, just say “I love myself” as a meditation.
3. Gratitude practice
   Even with all the external markers of success, I feel anxious, insecure, and inadequate. By having a gratitude practice, such as listing everything I am grateful for every day, I can reframe things going on in my life. It can halt and reverse a negative spiral of thoughts and create a much happier mental path. Even a negative event can make me grateful to learn and grow. List what you are grateful for at least once a day especially when you are feeling anxious.
4. Don’t dwell on the past
   Part of the self-love is acknowledging and accepting your misdeeds and moving beyond it. Sometimes I have more trouble with this than anything else, but after analysis of what went wrong, try to move past it.

With these four practices, I have been able to free myself from an internal prison that cost me countless relationships and thousands of dollars. More importantly, I now have a relationship with myself that is accepting and forgiving, which allows me to seek compassion and love for others.

When I was unable to see beyond my own shame and insecurities, I did not love myself and I could not provide true unconditional love to others. If you are in a self-made prison, you certainly cannot provide that love and there are people who need you.

Choose to break free from the prison because men and women are waiting for your unique gifts, your love, and your compassion.