5 People Describe How Being Bisexual Affects Their Love Lives

People tend to understand concepts that are black and white better than those that have shades of gray. Take sexuality, for instance: The terms “straight” and “gay” lend themselves to direct definitions, while being “bisexual” always seems to bring up so many questions. In fact, many people think it’s plain impossible for someone to be attracted to both sexes. Well, guess what: If you’re one of those people, you’ve got the wrong info. Sexuality comes in all shapes, colors, and sizes.

Here, five bisexual men and women share how their sex preference affects their dating lives, relationships, and the way they identify themselves publicly.

Renee Dowling, 30
I typically tell people I’m gay because it’s easier. There’s a large faction of people out there who don’t understand bisexuality. So when they don’t understand it, they either think that you are lying or refuse to believe that being bisexual is even possible. I just think of it as normal. If you can be attracted to one gender or the other, why couldn’t you be attracted to both?

I’m also doing online dating right now and have to list myself as gay. I’ve tried listing myself as bisexual in the past and it didn’t work well. Women who you would be interested in dating aren’t interested just because you are bisexual. Then you have a group of men who assume you are up for a threesome. You get messages at 2 am, ‘Interested in a threesome? My wife is hot.’ It’s like they feel they are automatically entitled to you.

William Bernhardt, 28
I work in kitchens. They are notorious as one of the last bastions of a boy’s club. Being seen as anything less than a hard-ass, hetero knife-slinger is the same as being weak. This has, fortunately, but ever so slowly, been changing in the last decade. I discuss my sexuality and proclivities as little as possible unless directly asked or if it is pertinent to the conversation. I’m open with between 20 and 30 percent of the people I work with.

With dating, I’m not confident enough with my kitchen crew or my company to bring in a man as my significant other. Also, with men I generally have flings, nothing longstanding. A lot of the women I’ve dated find my bisexuality intriguing. I am dating a woman who is also bisexual and follows, more or less, the same hetero-appearing guidelines as I do.

We have a good time checking people out together. As far as explaining my sexuality goes, I usually just leave it at being able to walk into a room and find someone attractive. It’s easier that way, as opposed to having to explain my differing ideals of attractiveness when cisgender, gender fluid, and androgyny come into play.

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Elena Lopez, 31
I have always found both sexes attractive. I started realizing it my freshmen year in high school. I felt attracted to a lot of the girls that went there. At first I was like, maybe it’s because I wish I was them. But it wasn’t at all. I would fantasize about them. But I would also fantasize about guys. It was extremely confusing to me. I tried telling my older sisters like in a joking way, but they both were like ‘That’s so gross, you like fish. Yuck.” I started telling myself, ‘I’m straight, I’m straight.’

My senior year, I had my first sexual encounter with a girl. Although I was not physically attracted to her I wanted to try it out. I loved being with a woman. It felt normal to me. Still, I wish I had that experience with someone I actually liked.

When I was 19, I met my best friend who would become my husband and father to our three kids. I was able to be myself with him and he accepted me 100 percent. He knew about me liking both sexes. I was very open a out my sexuality with him. I felt completely comfortable with him. That’s why I married him. I fell in love with his soul. He has told me that if I ever wanted to be with a woman, he would let me because he feels he could never give me what a woman can. Luckily for me, he never had an issue with my sexuality.

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Joe Donati, 27
I tell anyone I’m interested in dating—man or woman—that I’m bi up-front. For a lot of people, that’s a non-starter. I don’t want to get into a relationship to later find that they won’t accept me for me.

Years ago, I was dating a woman and didn’t tell her until a handful of dates in that I was bisexual. She thought I must have been gay, and was just trying to date her to have a beard or something. She was afraid I had STDs. It was horrible.

Emily McClurg, 25
As a generalization, I think a lot of people assume that if you are bisexual, you just want to sleep with everyone you come in contact with. Some people I have dated have been incredibly jealous. Like the fact that I was bisexual doubled my odds of cheating on them just because I’m sexually attracted to both men and women.

What I think some people don’t understand is that being bisexual is about being able to love and connect with someone without gender even being a part of it. I’ve loved both men and women, but it wasn’t because they had a penis or a vagina. It was because of who they were deep down. Bisexual people appreciate beauty wherever they find it. They don’t love men or women. They love people.