There is no shortage of books devoted to the all-consuming topic of parenthood. From baby-making to baby-naming, if you can think it, someone has written about it. Yet while there is an abundance of literature focused on how to keep a child happy and comfortable, not nearly as much is written about how to accomplish the same when it comes to interacting with the brave, exhausted mother in the room.
Here are some of the phrases I’ve found least likely to please a new mom, specifically coming from the new dad.
1. “So, when can we have sex again?†This is likely the last thing on her mind. Well, that and rock climbing. While sex is an essential part of your lives as a couple, bringing up your sexual needs so soon after she’s gone through the excruciating process of expelling an object out of her body labels you selfish, no matter the intent. After my first son was born via C-section, my wife couldn’t stand up straight for a week… let alone have actual sex. Also, it’s extremely challenging to get in the mood while hooked up to an IV on a single bed with your parents sitting in the visitor chairs.
2. “My [insert body part] hurts.†It’s not the time. It’s really, really not the time. Telling your significant other you have a headache right after she essentially pushed a volleyball out of her vagina is like complaining to a Neanderthal about an overly complicated Wi-Fi password. Trust me, she doesn’t want to hear it right now. I know this because I made the mistake of whining to my wife about a leg cramp I’d developed while walking from the car to her hospital bed. I mean, those corridors were surprisingly long.
3. “I think we should name the baby ______.†While your name preference certainly matters, consider your campaign over once you reach the delivery room. I’ve heard stories of couples arguing right up ’til the moment the name is printed on the birth certificate. Not only should this have been ironed out weeks or even months prior — but the one who actually births the baby has the final say in this proverbial chess match. So, if she decides in a hazy state that the baby’s name should be Alligator? Hey, at least you can call her Ally.
4. “You’re still in the hospital?†We live in an ever-evolving and always-connected world, where you can download a band’s full discography and watch your favorite episode of The Golden Girls by pressing a button on a device you keep in your pocket. Because of this, some of us mistakenly assume that every aspect of life has sped up to match this technology. There is no easier way to insult a new mom than to downplay the amount of time it takes her body to heal and become fully functional again after giving birth. For the record, I would stay in the hospital until they literally kicked me out (which they will do, by the way).
5. “Do I really have to get you a push gift?†Rule of thumb: Never ask someone if you should get them a gift. So, unless she’s particularly averse to being showered with riches, just get her something. No woman has ever complained to her friends, “That jerk bought me a designer handbag!â€
If you manage to stay away from these phrases, you’re exponentially more likely to appear in her next Facebook profile picture in front of the camera rather than behind it.
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Using puppets that act out good and bad behaviors, Yale’s Baby Lab has been studying infant ethics for decades.
In one experiment, a cat puppet was struggling to open a box when a bunny puppet in a green t-shirt came along and helped him. The puppet masters then re-did the scenario with a bunny puppet in an orange t-shirt who cruelly slammed the box shut and ran away.
The lab’s studies revealed that over 80 percent of babies under 24 months showed a preference for the puppet that demonstrates good behavior — the helpful bunny in the green shirt. With 3-month-olds, the number increased to 87%.
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A 2014 study published in the journal Cognitive Development looked at 150 15-month-olds. The babies watched an adult demonstrate how to use several noise-making toys. Then, a second adult entered the room and angrily scolded the first for making so much noise.
After the demonstration, the babies were welcome to play with the toys, but for half of them, the angry second adult left the room or turned away, while the latter half remained under that adult’s gaze.
Babies in the former group did not hesitate to start playing with the toys, but the ones in the second group generally waited a little bit and then played with the toys differently than they’d seen in the demonstration. This indicated that they were trying to adjust their actions to avoid the anger of the second adult — therefore, they are able to resist their impulses and show self-control.
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Mere hours after their birth, babies can sense the difference between sounds in their native language and a foreign one.
Researchers in Sweden and Washington state studied 40 newborns wearing pacifiers that were wired to a computer. When the babies heard sounds from foreign languages, they sucked the pacifiers for much longer than when they heard their native tongue — this indicates that they could differentiate between the two.
According to researcher Patricia Kuhl, “The vowel sounds in [the mother’s] speech are the loudest units and the fetus locks onto them.â€
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By the time they reach 5 months, babies are able to sense each other’s feelings.
In a BYU 2013 study, 20 5-month-old babies and 20 3.5-month-old babies sat in front of two monitors, which showed a video of a smiling baby and a video of a frowning baby. Then the scientists played two audio recordings: one of happy baby and one of a sad baby.
Upon hearing the the sounds of the happy baby, the 5-month-olds looked at the monitor with the smiling baby, and when they heard the sad baby audio, they turned to the frowning baby video. The 3.5-month old babies were less successful in matching these sounds and images.
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A recent study published in Pediatrics found that infants react more to words from moms than from dads. All 33 babies in the study wore sound-recording vests which revealed that they heard three times more words from moms than from dads.
A researcher from the study, Dr. Betty Vohr, told Time that “a possible explanation is that the pitch of mother’s voice or its proximity is more stimulating for babies.â€
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Although babies generally don’t start speaking their first few words until 12 months old and still have a limited vocabulary by age 2, they have the ability to develop an impressive mastery of sign language from the age of 6 months.
After noticing that the children of his deaf friends were communicating with their families with sign language from a very early age, Dr. Joseph Garcia founded the “Sign With Your Baby†program in which instructors teach parents and babies American Sign Language.
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A 2012 study showed that babies read people’s lips when they’re learning to talk.
Researchers at Florida Atlantic University observed almost 180 babies at ages 4, 6, 8, 10 and 12 months and studied their behavior when they saw videos of adults speaking. The experiment showed that when babies are about 6 months old, they stop looking into adults’ eyes and start focusing on their lips to learn how to make sounds.
So next time you’re in the presence of a lip-reading baby, you might want to be a little more mindful about what you say.