6 Fights Every Happy Couple Should Have
That said, most of your fights shouldn’t be screaming matches, and they certainly shouldn’t turn physical. Whatever the conflict, you should both be able to vocalize your concerns, express your preferences, and be able to come up with a reasonable plan that doesn’t leave one or both of you sulking in the corner. “You should really be collaboratively talking together rather than fighting,” says Susan Heitler, PhD, a Denver marriage and relationship counselor and author of The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage. Here are six common “fights” and how to navigate your way through them. (Looking to take back control of your health? Prevention magazine has smart answers—get 2 FREE gifts when you subscribe today.)
Fight #1: How you spend your $$$$
Even the most well-suited pairs can differ on how they like to spend their hard-earned cash. “I have couples argue over every aspect of their finances, whether it’s about traveling first class or buying a Starbucks espresso every AM instead of just making it at home,” says Greer. This issue often goes deeper than whether or not you can afford something, says Heitler. “It’s not really about spending money on designer clothing or sports cars—you’re fighting about values,” she says.
The next time you want to splurge on something and your husband balks (or vice versa), sit down and consider whether the person who’s against the purchase would have to sacrifice anything in order to fund it. If the answer is yes—perhaps you think that him buying new golf clubs means you won’t be able to get the new TV you want—then it’s time to draft up a budget (if you don’t have one already) to see what’s really doable. If you could technically afford it but you or your partner is still against it, then you need to have a deeper conversation. Maybe one of you thinks splurging on certain items is wasteful or is harboring deep-seated fears about losing even a sizeable nest egg. Chatting about it should help you gain some perspective and figure out how to move forward.
Fight #2: How often you have sex
“A sexless couple is a vulnerable couple, and when there is a major asymmetry [in your desire], that’s a big problem,” says Heitler. Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away; you need to sit down and come to an agreement about how frequently—or infrequently—you get it on. If you can’t resolve it amicably—or in a way that satisfies both of you—you should seriously consider seeing a therapist. “This is the type of conflict that leads one person to have an affair,” which could pave the way for the dissolution of the relationship, warns Heitler.
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Fight #3: How you express anger
“If one person came from a let-it-all-out-then-forget-about-it household and the other from a home where raised voices were avoided at all costs, then there’s bound to be some tension,” says Heitler. Her advice: Talk about it at a time when you’re both calm, and try to understand why one (or both) of you are so angry and how to express this emotion without a big explosion. “Anger is a stop sign, so if you feel it, you need to pause,” she says. (Here are 9 rules happy couples follow when they fight.)
Fight #4: What role extended family plays in your lives
Does it drive you crazy when your mother-in-law calls during dinner every Sunday? Does your husband lose it when your parents announce that they’re coming for an impromptu visit—and planning to stay for 3 weeks? It’s time to set some boundaries. You might not have the same ideas about what’s OK and what’s not, but you need to talk about it and be respectful of your partner’s take.
“The trick is never to be critical of each other, including the other’s family,” says Heitler. “If you get upset because your sister-in-law insists on talking with your husband about your relationship, it’s important not to attack her but instead to explain that you feel uncomfortable because that is your personal, private space.” (Here are 6 relationships that are ruining your marriage.)
Fight #5: What to do when one of you loses your job
In today’s gloomy job market, it’s pretty common for one spouse to suddenly (and often unexpectedly) become unemployed. If that happens, it’s imperative that you talk about your expectations as soon as possible. “You need to make sure you’re on the same page so there are no misunderstandings that can create major conflict later on,” explains Heitler. You might think it’s important that your significant other take the next opportunity that pops up, while he might be fine with going jobless for a solid 6 months while he waits for the right fit. Once you know where you both stand, you can work toward finding a compromise that won’t leave you both broke and depressed.
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Fight #6: Who does what at home
Unless your relationship roles are as clearly defined as Betty and Don Draper’s in Mad Men, you need to sit down and sort out who’s in charge of laundry, dirty dishes, taking the dog out, etc. “I had a couple who fought about dirty dishes like you have no idea,” recalls Greer. “He kept saying he’d wash them, and they kept piling up in the sink. It was driving his wife batty.” The solution? The nights he was on kitchen clean-up duty, they used paper plates. “Once he realized he really enjoyed eating off of their fancy dinner china, he stepped up to the, er, plate,” says Greer. Mission accomplished!