7 Things You Should Never Say to Someone with Herpes

I was diagnosed with herpes two years ago, and I can’t tell you how many offensive things people have said to me about it since then. I understand that many of these comments don’t come from a place of ill will; most people just have no effing clue what to say when someone tells them that they have herpes. While there’s no script for the perfect thing to say to someone who shares this very personal piece of information with you (just as there’s no Mad Libs-style formula for how to disclose to someone that you have herpes), there are certain remarks I would advise against—all of which are based on things that have been said to me time and time again.

Here’s what someone with herpes can’t help but think the moment they hear this: Thank you so much for referring to my body as “gross.” That’s very kind and exactly what I need to hear in this vulnerable moment.  

Yes, the word “herpes” can elicit a yuck reaction somewhere deep in our gut. A combination of bad sex education and a powerful social stigma has convinced us that herpes is a revolting, extremely contagious disease. But in reality, herpes is manageable skin condition and a slight annoyance at most for the many millions of people who live with it. Try to quiet those hurtful snap judgments, and listen to the living, breathing human with emotions who is speaking to you.

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I had sex with Mick Jagger, obviously. What kind of a question is that? I get asked this constantly: by curious journalist, by worried dates, even by strangers on Twitter. Asking someone how they contracted an STD implies that they did something wrong and there must be some dramatic, embarrassing story behind their diagnosis. It also forces them to fit into one of two stereotypes: that they’re either an irresponsible monster who needs your forgiveness or that they were lied to, cheated on, or otherwise made the victim of someone else’s bad behavior. Don’t put them on the spot and ask them to share deeply personal information that they might struggle with.

A friend who I hadn’t seen for a few months blurted this out when I mentioned getting diagnosed over a catch-up coffee. She apologized when she saw how uncomfortable the question made me, but she didn’t understand how invasive her morbid curiosity was. I wanted to confide in a friend, not have assumptions made about my body.

Unless you’re about to sleep with someone or you are a physician about to stick your hand between their legs, there is literally no reason why you need to know if they are currently having an outbreak.

This is a backwards compliment wrapped in oodles of disappointment and judgment. The insane stigma around STDs convinces us that only slutty, dishonest, and desperate people contract such viruses. The reality is far different: STDs are a possibility any time you have sex, whether it’s your first time or your 100th. And many folks get oral herpes from family members who kissed them while they had a cold sore on their lip. Saying that someone doesn’t seem like the type of person who has an STD says far more about you than it does about them. 

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The host of a party I attended asked me this when I mentioned that I was beginning to write publicly about having herpes. I’m pretty sure she was drunk…or at least I hope she was. 

Despite what comedians might say, herpes is not like glitter. It doesn’t collect on every flat surface touched, and it dies very quickly outside of the body. You cannot get herpes from sharing towels—or copies of Fifty Shades of Grey.

I used to hear this a lot from kind-hearted nurses at the health clinic while I was getting treatment for my first outbreak. They recognized my pain and wanted to reassure me that having herpes wouldn’t ruin my love life. But what 21-year-old college student wants to hear about that one special someone who won’t judge her for having an STD?

There will be many people for whom an STD isn’t a deal-breaker, and being open to dating a woman with an STD doesn’t make them Prince Charming—it makes them a decent person. Getting diagnosed with herpes doesn’t mean you have to settle for the first person who accepts you. It also doesn’t meant you are stuck having monogamous, serious relationships for the rest of your life.

If you can’t figure out why that’s an ignorant thing to say, you’re on your own. I’m talking to you, ex-boyfriend who I asked to get tested after I was diagnosed.

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Ella Dawson is a twenty-something feminist who cares too much about The Bachelor. She writes about gender, pop culture, bros, and what it’s like to live with herpes.