8 Sex Therapists Share Their #1 Tips for Clients Who Struggle to Orgasm

1. Step Up Your Fantasy Skills
“Use fantasies to help you turn off your anxiety and get turned on. Studies have shown that the closer a woman gets to orgasm, the more parts of her brain associated with stress and anxiety deactivate. So come up with a hot fantasy that you can play in your mind during sex or masturbation. Don’t worry if it doesn’t involve the person you’re actually having sex or partnered with—it’s your private playground.”—Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First and Passionista

2. Give Yourself a Hand…Job
“Masturbate more. Most women don’t self-stimulate enough. This can result in orgasm issues related to a lack of awareness about what stimulation works best for them. Also, it’s been shown that women who masturbate more have more confidence in the bedroom and less shame about their bodies. (All of which can be huge orgasm inhibitors.) Regular masturbation should be considered medicinal, as it can help to regulate hormones, keep the vagina well lubricated, and increase arousal.”—Certified sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D.

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3. Create a Pre-Sex Ritual
“Orgasm issues often have their root in stress, anxiety, and negative self-talk. Leave all stress at the (bedroom) door by doing something that relaxes you. You can try yoga, meditation, or whatever gets you in the zone. That should prep you (and your libido) for anything.”—Board-certified clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D.

4. Focus on the Journey
“Forget the orgasm! The more you place a priority on making it happen, the more difficult it will be. Go for the pleasure, go for the feeling, go for discovering where you like to be touched the most and what type of touching feels the best. This will definitely make it easier to orgasm!”—Jane Greer, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship

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5. Work Together
“Touch yourself while your partner is penetrating, going down on, or fingering you. Go to town using the same techniques that always do the trick when you’re flying solo.”—Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., sex researcher and educator in New York

6. Be Gentle
“One big problem that can get in the way of having an orgasm is over stimulating the clitoris. Since it contains thousands of nerve endings, it’s easy to irritate the area. Most women describe the feeling as almost having an orgasm and then it stopping. If this sounds like you, try playing around the clitoris instead.”—Clinical sexologist Dawn Michael, Ph.D., author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me

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7. Master Mindfulness
“Sometimes women struggle to orgasm because they’re thinking about everything but sex. Be present. Grab your man’s back, listen to his breathing, imagine how turned on he’s getting by touching you. Sex is the perfect opportunity to think about what’s right in front of you. Use the time wisely.”—Kelley Kitley, L.C.S.W. who works with couples in Chicago

8. Own Your Orgasm
“It’s not your partner’s job to give you an orgasm; it’s their job to support you while you achieve orgasm. But if you don’t have a healthy relationship with your body or have positive experiences reaching orgasm on your own, nothing your partner does will be able to compete. Think of it as a gift that you share with each other, not something that your partner’s expected to do all the work for.”—Sexologist Carlen Costa, Ph.D.