Coming Out About My Mental Illness

Each of us has a unique story, something that will be etched in our tombstone, and quintessentially a set of core values that will define us. I’ve done many things that I can be proud of. I worked on the F-117A Stealth Fighter, have written a number of ebooks (some of which you won’t find under my name), earned a bachelors degree and currently working on a master’s degree. But these aren’t what I am proud of. I’m proud of being a mental health advocate. Advocating for those of this generation and a population that has long been stigmatized as though we’re living in the lower rungs of a caste system.

Society reinforces a caste system whereby people are governed by their individual ability to manifest themselves within a set of protocols that forces one to become chameleon-like or be shamed into the lower rungs of that caste system. As a man with a mental illness I find that this caste system is emasculating. Notice I pay no attention to mental illness because it is the caste system that enslaves society, both subtly and overtly. 

The standard protocol of the societal caste system are that one never admits faults, never begs to question the caste system, or manifests anything outside the chameleon-like trickery. Living within the caste system you’re never supposed to admit having a mental illness. Because I’ve not mastered the chameleon-like inverted ethics of this system opportunities become noticeably different, both professionally and personally. But this stems from a larger problem, and it isn’t my problem, it’s society’s.

One of the core values of the Air Force is integrity. I’ve always viewed integrity as something you either have or don’t. Society doesn’t, especially when it comes to admitting mental illness. I tried living my life under the veil of inauthenticity for years, and it achieved nothing for me. Finally, as the light bulb was going off in my mind about the inauthenticity of staying in the closet about my mental illness I saw a commercial by BringChange2Mind. As soon as I saw the commercial with Glenn Close and her family I made a Facebook post about my mental illness. I honestly don’t remember if anyone even said anything to me about it.

As I have battled with schizophrenia and probably a fair amount of depression I’ve wondered whether this openness about my battle has estranged me from friends, loved ones, and neighbors. I’ve noticed fewer real friends and fewer loved ones that I can call on. My fear has changed from “maybe they don’t get me” or “I probably shouldn’t care” to realizing they probably have just as hectic yet boring lives as me. 

I’ve wondered about my initial reaction to come out about my mental illness, how it has shaped me, and whether it was the right decision. I know it hasn’t helped me in certain areas, but I’m proud that I can live with integrity when other people are drowning in the world trying to find themselves and trying to save themselves from inauthenticity because of this chameleon society. I know that it has made me more self-confident, given a new found sense of freedom, and enabled a resiliency within. I’m proud that I’m able to live with integrity in a world of shadows.

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