Here’s Why We Demand to Know the Sex Details When Our Partner Cheats

We get to the bottom of why you crave every painstaking detail, what you actually should know about the affair, and how to move forward.

Why You Can’t Stop Investigating

You want to know “why.” In part, we think knowing the dirty deets will help us make sense of the situation. “We convince ourselves that if we have all the details, we will somehow understand why this happened,” says Martinez. “It’s hard to imagine trusting your partner again without knowing all the details,” says licensed clinical therapist Lisa Brateman.

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You question your worth. Another big question that surfaces after an affair is, “Why them over me?” When you’re betrayed, you often question your own sexual adequacy. “We want to understand what we did wrong, and why someone would choose someone over us,” Brateman says.

You want control. Aside from wanting to take back some of the power in your relationship, you may want to take control of your thoughts, says Brateman. Trying to find out what actually happened, instead of letting your imagination run wild, can make you feel empowered. “We believe that a rational explanation will help us to understand the question of why,” she says.

You want to figure out if you can still trust him. Since you know he lied to you once (or maybe multiple times), you want to test how trustworthy he might be down the road. You might think that if he shares the sexual details of the affair, you’ll be able to tell if he’s still lying, says Brateman.

Is It Healthy?

Yes. Brateman says that it’s healthier to want to know than not to. “Denying yourself the opportunity to understand interferes with healing and reestablishing trust,” she says.

A healthier question to ask (instead of, “Did she go down on you?”) is how much he shared about your relationship with the affair partner, says Brateman. This speaks to his loyalty to the relationship and the emotional intimacy between them. It’s also beneficial to focus on what your partner felt during the affair, whether they had unprotected sex, and how the affair ended (to understand what prolonged it).

RELATED: How to Piece a Relationship Back Together After Someone Cheats

But Brateman says that some questions should wait. Try to determine if knowing the details will help improve your trust and intimacy or damage it, she says.

And no. Martinez cautions that teasing apart every detail can distract you from the big picture. The only info that’s important is if the cheating was a symptom of something wrong in the relationship, if the affair is over, and whether he’s still talking to the other person, she says.

Should the Cheater Spill Everything?

Martinez and Brateman agree that if the cheater genuinely wants things to work out, they have to be up front about everything. “Even if the betraying partner eventually shares everything, earlier denials or half-truths undermine healing and recovery,” says Brateman. It’s beneficial for the cheater to volunteer information even before being asked.

They also need to be brutally honest moving forward. “The betrayer must commit to sharing any interactions with the person they cheated with,” says Brateman. “Honesty is the path to heal deception.”