I Drank 5 Cups of Coffee Today, Like the New Dietary Guidelines Suggested

You may have heard that the newest report from the Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee is out, giving scientific recommendations on topics related to diet and nutrition, as well as how they affect your health. One of the most surprising updates? The green light—and actual recommendation—to consume up to five cups of coffee a day. 

If the thought of downing that much caffeine gives you heart palpitations, you’re not alone. We balked at the idea—and immediately decided someone had to try it and report back on whether that kind of regular coffee consumption was as crazy as it sounded. Being Starbucks-obsessed with a long history of ill-advised vanilla latte binges back at college, I was all:

Here’s how it went: 

Cup One: Confidence

the latest dietary recommendations gave the green light for drinking 5 cups of coffee a day. let the investigative reporting begin.

A photo posted by @abroges on Feb 24, 2015 at 4:34am PST

7:30 a.m. Ahh, still so bright-eyed and optimistic, not at all fearful of the prospect of malfunctioning entirely. It was a happier time. 

Cup Two: Energy 

morning pitch meeting! cup of coffee number two and still feeling good. #WHStrong? #WHCaffeinated

A photo posted by @abroges on Feb 24, 2015 at 7:37am PST

10:30 a.m. I go for round two at the time I normally get my first and only caffeine fix of the day. It’s not catastrophic by any means. Sure, I might be peppier than usual—and okay, circa noon, I’ll be dancing-slash-wiggling in my chair to “I Want To Break Free” on repeat—but that’s what caffeine is for, isn’t it? 

Cup Three: Regret

cup three. did you think I was kidding? #WHCaffeinated

A photo posted by @abroges on Feb 24, 2015 at 10:03am PST

12:45 p.m. Cup three marks the beginning of the end—because really, if you’re energized and caffeinated already and decide to drink more coffee, where else is there to go but downhill? But still, I press on. Goodbye productivity, appetite, and concentration. Hello, headache, a few apologetic extension requests to my editor, and a complete reevaluation of my life choices.  

Cup Four: Second Wind

cup four. productivity’s taking a hit. #WHCaffeinated

A photo posted by @abroges on Feb 24, 2015 at 12:03pm PST

3:00 p.m. On cup four, I have war flashbacks to middle school when I had my first Frappuccino, ever. Yep, meaning I’m hyper. In a totally professional, dignified way, I swear. Probably hearing me giggling alone in my cubicle, our junior producer checks in on me. 

Cup Five: Crash 

I am the coffee queen. #WHCaffeinated

A photo posted by @abroges on Feb 24, 2015 at 1:43pm PST

4:30 p.m. Unsurprisingly, my caffeine-induced oomph only lasts for so long and I’m OVER IT. I’m jittery, cranky, and don’t even have the will to blast “We Are The Champions” as I begrudgingly chug my final cup. And is it just me, or do I even look more exhausted? Victory has never tasted so bitter. 

The Aftermath 

*labored breathing*

A photo posted by @abroges on Feb 24, 2015 at 1:54pm PST

The next day. I’m happy to report that I survived the caffeine bomb, and I’m not writing this from the beyond the grave. I even managed to get to sleep at a decent hour, shockingly. That said, I definitely don’t have any plans to up my regular coffee intake for fear of my long-term cardiovascular health, if my pummeling pulse was anything to go by. But hey, I’m not on the Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee. You do you, coffee addicts. 

More From Women’s Health: 
16 Signs You’re Obsessed with Coffee
The Perks Of Coffee Drinks
The Surprising Way Coffee Affects Your Appetite