‘It creeps in slowly, then … envelops you’: Anna Howard’s sister reflects on depression

Emily Howard sips on a coffee in her home studio, surrounded by large canvases and sunshine flowing in the window.

“Anna was so incredibly generous and joyful … she was our ray of sunshine,” said Emily. “She was hilarious. She loved to laugh at herself too.”

Anna Howard was Emily’s older sister.

After a search, Anna’s body was found on Brackley Beach in the P.E.I. National Park on Jan. 28.

But Emily wants to make sure her sister is remembered by her contributions in life.

Emily Howard takes a break from working on a canvas in her home studio. (Karen Mair/CBC)

Teacher, mother, volunteer

Anna Howard was a devoted single mother to her young son, a passionate elementary school teacher, and a dedicated volunteer with Meals on Wheels.

She also had one of the longest matches with Big Brothers Big Sisters of P.E.I.

“She was matched with Taydra, her little sister, when we were just in our early 20s,” said Emily. “She realized how helping kids at a young age would make a difference in the end. It obviously does because Taydra is such a beautiful young woman now, Anna did a wonderful job.”

Anna Howard (right) with her ‘little sister’ Taydra at the P.E.I. Big Brothers Big Sisters Christmas Party in 2011. (Submitted by Big Brothers Big Sisters P.E.I.)

Always spreading kindness

Emily added that people may also remember Anna’s non-profit group, Random Act of Kindness P.E.I. — adding Anna was spreading that kindness from a young age.

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“She was that person who randomly on the street would pass a person a chocolate bar. She said ‘hello’ to everyone. She was always buying the coffees for people in the drive-thru behind her. She was so genuine. She wanted to make people happy and make people smile.” said Emily.

‘Do all things with kindness’ was one of Anna Howard’s sayings. (Submitted by Emily Howard)

But, things weren’t all joy for Anna, who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

This is how the Canadian Mental Health Association describes the illness: “In addition to feelings of depression, someone with bipolar disorder also has episodes of mania … Depression and bipolar disorder are two mental illnesses that change the way people feel and make it hard for them to go about their daily routine.”

“She was just a happy, happy person who sometimes had this cloud that followed her,” explained Emily. “When she did kind of come out of that darkness, which sometimes covered her, she was just so grateful, so grateful to be happy again … so she felt she had to pay it forward.”  

‘It creeps in slowly’

The darkness first showed itself 16 years ago, when Emily was 18 and Anna was 19 and the two sisters were living together.

Emily noticed Anna had intense anxiety over little things and seemed really sad.

“It creeps in slowly, then … envelops you,” said Emily.

“The way bi-polar works is you have periods of extreme lows and then you surface again,” she explained, saying Anna’s depression got more aggressive as the years went on.

“It was the past 16 years that she struggled, but in the past two years it was really hard for her,” she said.

Anna Howard (left) and her sister Emily. Emily said her sister didn’t talk much about her struggles with bipolar disorder. (Submitted by Emily Howard)

During those years of ups and downs, Emily, her parents and close friends and family learned all they could to understand what Anna was going through.

‘We enveloped her, our little family’

Anna would always say, “everyone’s doing the best they can in the moment,” and her family would all try to heed those words and live in the moment when things were good, said Emily.

“When someone is good, and they find their self again, you just want to stand there with them, you just want to be happy with them, because you never know how long it will last … When Anna would find herself falling, we all kind of, enveloped her, in our little family.”

Emily added, “My parents went above and beyond … and they never stopped loving her so fiercely and trying everything. Every resource was exhausted, every medication was tried.” 

‘There is no cure’ 

Emily explained that part of the “struggle is knowing that there is no treatment for the disease, there is no cure, all you can do is treat the symptoms.”

She said some help came when a pharmacist explained, “the treatment of depression and bipolar and any of these diseases is actually an art form. It’s not a science.”

She said it’s important to be educated about the disease so you know what to watch for.

Emily Howard stares out the window of her art studio. (Karen Mair/CBC)

Emily said her sister didn’t often share her struggles.

“Anna didn’t talk about her depression or things she was dealing with. Not for the fact that she was ashamed, but she wanted to show people what strength was. She wanted to show them that if you’re dealing with this you can still be really strong … she wanted to be an example.” 

‘She didn’t take her life … depression took her life’

When speaking about her sister’s death, Emily gazes out the window at the blowing snow.

“She often felt defeated because she couldn’t control it,” she said. “That’s what the disease is, you can not control it.”

“If Anna was diagnosed with something awful like cancer or multiple sclerosis or Parkinson’s or something like that, there is treatment and some people do survive and live really wonderful lives. But some people get all the treatment in the world and they don’t make it. That is depression as well.”

A photo of Anna Howard in her home. ‘She taught us about kindness and acceptance and compassion,’ says her sister Emily. (CBC)

“But she was strong. She bounced back as many times as she could,” said Emily. “Her life was taken from her, she didn’t take her life. So depression took her life.” 

Anna Howard’s body was found at Brackley Beach — a place she loved.

‘She made such an impression’

“The beach was somewhere she went all the time,” said Emily. “She left messages in the sand for other people, so when they’d pass by they’d get a smile. She loved it there. In the end she went to her happy place.”

“We had her for 35 years amazing years. She taught us so much about kindness and acceptance and compassion … She made such an impression, it was an impression that someone might not make if they were here for a hundred years.” 

Anyone needing emotional support, crisis intervention or help with problem solving in P.E.I. can contact The Island Helpline at 1-800-218-2885, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For more information about mental health services on P.E.I., find resources from Health PEI here, or from the Canadian Mental Health Association P.E.I. Division here.

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