The Bad Liar’s Guide to Pretending to Love a Terrible Gift

The Gift: An Ugly Christmas Sweater
Ugly Christmas sweaters have ventured from gag-gift to an actual “thing” now, which is unfortunate because they’re the most impractical gift you can give someone. Maybe it’s the giant snowman or the drunk-looking Santa, but either way, you can only wear this piece of clothing for, like, two weeks out of the year, tops.

So how to react? Put it on, admire yourself in the mirror, and remark how it really makes you look svelte! Keep it on until the end of the evening, take lots of selfies so you can frame one for Grams, then burn it when you get home.

The Gift: A Terrible Album
Did you know Hanson still puts out music? Did you also know your grandmother hasn’t forgotten that you liked Hanson around the time of your Sweet 16? Well, now you’ve got a CD (seriously?!) and you cannot possibly disappoint your grandmother.

Just smile and say, “Oh, Grandma, this is PERFECT!” It is, technically: CDs are the perfect makeshift plate for a bagel with cream cheese, or for emergency lighting rigs just in case your room is too dark for naked selfies.

The Gift: A Gift Card for a Terrible Restaurant
Debbie in accounts receivable is your Secret Santa this year, and as you know by her extended lunch breaks, she reallly loves Olive Garden. Low and behold, here’s $25 to spend on the biggest bowl of pasta alfredo in existence.

Grit your teeth, and try this: “Yummy! Let’s make a plan to do lunch together after the holidays.” Then, regift the card to your great uncle with the buffet obsession.

The Gift: Homemade Food
Oh no, it’s your mailman, Phil, and he’s wearing a chef’s hat today. Phil’s version of Ina Garten’s pound cake tastes like a sponge steeped in vaginal yeast.

Thankfully, food is so easy to dismiss: “Oh no, does this have gluten in it?” Classic cold read—if he says yes, just say you’re gluten-free. If he says it’s gluten-free, tell him that gluten-free is a Ponzi scheme and he’s brainwashed. Smack the cake out of his hand, put your hands on your hips, and look at him with disdain. Trust us, he’ll probably never give you a gift ever again. 

The Gift: Trashy Lingerie
This is a classic “present for you that is really a present for him.” Nip this in the bud weeks prior to the holiday by telling him, “I think this year we’ll open presents with my parents, your parents, your grandparents, your boss, your religious or spiritual advisor, some police officers, and a bunch of kids from the local community center.” If he still gets you crotchless panties, he is a deviant and you’ve got the cops right there.

The Gift: Out of Date Electronics
Your Grandpa genuinely thought all the kids these days are clamoring for Palm Pilots. Thankfully, there’s no reason to lie to him. Just say, “Aw, thanks Gramps! I know exactly what to do with this.” Then, sell it on eBay and use the cash for pizza and champagne.

The Gift: Arts and Crafts Nightmare
Homemade picture frame? Bedazzled iPhone case? A (shudder) abstract expressionist sculpture? Doorstop, doorstop, doorstop. “I’m going to get so much out of this!” Yeah, man. Doors don’t stay open on their own.

The Gift: Socks
Honestly? Socks are kind of expensive. Be thankful.

“Thanks, Sweetheart. These will warm my feet, since I’m constantly complaining about how cold it is in the house even though I sleep next to you and have witnessed you sweat your way through multiple duvet covers. I guess men and women ARE different when it comes to temperature regulation! You’re such a thoughtful boyfriend!”