The Modern Woman’s Guide to Radical Self-Love

Photo by Unique Hotels on Flickr.

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.

~ Audre Lorde

As modern women, we’re swamped, run ragged; concurrently expected to look rested and be supermodel-gorgeous as a constant. Juggling motherhood, a corporate career, beauty and fitness regimen, running the household and making time for social endeavors at once?

Something’s got to give.

Satisfaction does not arise in our lives when we put off our own needs in lieu of all else. We simply cannot be everything to everyone all of the time. We can, however, be some things to some people, some of the time. We must be selective with our energy, focus and efforts, and that will naturally govern how we choose to spend our time.

As the pilot is preparing for lift-off, a flight attendant comes over the loudspeaker and reminds us, each flight, that we must place our own oxygen mask on before we can assist others around us, even children. How often are we putting on that proverbial oxygen mask in our day-to-day lives?

And we wonder why we feel as though we’re suffocating.

Our internal critic would have us believe that feeling good is a sin. This is nonsense. In order to give of ourselves in the healthiest, most loving, and substantial manner, it is essential that we practice radical principles of self-care as outlined below.

Relaxation. We’ve got to unwind, and this is not a sly reference to Friday night cocktails. It’s yoga. Meditation. Journaling. Deep breathing. It’s time in nature. Being alone or quiet with your partner in tandem. Snuggling in with hot tea and a good read. Long baths with essential oils. Spa indulgences. Massage. You get the picture.

Sexual Pleasure. This one is usually the first to go when we start cutting things. Time to add it back in. Whether making space for your special alone time or indulging with your partner of choice, letting go in this way is an indispensable release to the modern woman.

“Nothing” Time. This overbooked condition that pervades society is choking the life out of us en masse. Getting snappy at friends, colleagues, and our fellow drivers during rush hour, all provide indicators that we need to slow down and do nothing once in a while, to balance out the excess achieving we so rampantly subscribe to.

Listen to Our Bodies. So many people who’ve suffered heart attacks, cancer, nervous breakdowns, and other devastating life blows later admit that they felt it coming. Developing enough wisdom to understand the body’s messages and respond appropriately requires self-forgiveness, for our sensitivities and humanness. We’re not machines; we’re visceral, sometimes vulnerable beings.

Process Our Emotions. The feelings and emotions that come up for us from moment to moment will vary considerably. Being gentle with how we feel assists us in processing as opposed to repressing. When we process our emotions as they surface, we feel them, and can respond appropriately. Repressing harms us by keeping us disconnected from our core needs and desires, which separates us from our power.

Play. This is where we get radical with our actions. Do things that our internal critic will attempt to rationalize as absurd, as totally unnecessary. That is precisely why we must commit to this practice of self-love and indulgence daily. Playing, whether finger painting, dancing in our living room or doing the one extravagant thing that we’ve told ourselves we absolutely cannot do (until fill-in-the-blank), is essential in its message that communicates we are worth it.

Ask Questions. Inquire within daily with questions such as: How good can I feel? How can I make this task/life/work/home more fulfilling and joyous? How can I ease my burdens? How can I be more satisfied with my life? And so on. When we dare ask the right questions, we will discover that the answers we seek find us. Before we know it, we’ve traversed the bottomless chasm of misery, and landed plum in the midst of the relaxed, flowing existence for which we secretly dreamed.

Request Help. Trying to maintain that Superwoman image much? I know I have in past, and it is not a sustainable lifestyle model. Not asking for help keeps us separate from our community as we feign perfection. When we admit we cannot do it all and request assistance, we are acknowledging our interconnected nature to our community. It transforms our relationships by rendering us emotionally accessible to others. Being perfect is a farce that I don’t care to maintain. It requires too much work and too modest payout.

Create. Whether you’re a covert artist or fashionista matters little. In artistic expression, you’re asserting to yourself that your creative interests are worth pursuing. That you’re worth it. We are tremendously creative beings. We must create to live fully, cultivate our artistic freedoms, and never stop.

Live Passionately. As we surrender to this radical life of self-care, something curious happens: we recover our passions. Chipping away at your protective armor of frozen emotions will expose the artist child you’ve been hiding away deep within yourself. Passion is part of life. It never leaves us, per se, but it does remain hidden when we are not kind to ourselves. Unearthing our passion requires us to do the necessary work.

The path to radical self-love, pleasure, and indulgence exists along a continuum. One day you might be on top of the world, the next you feel shut off from yourself. That’s OK. It’s a process. We have to learn how to practice self-care in a society that has convinced us we aren’t allowed to do so.

Get comfortable with yourself and learn to define your needs so you can become empowered to meet them. This is about you professing your feminine power and radiating fulfillment in all that you do. Remember, you can’t be all things to all people all the time, but you can be fiercely available to love yourself.

Pleasure is power. Go ahead, live radically. And don’t forget to spread your joy daily.