We Asked 19 Etiquette Experts if It’s Rude to Have Sex When You’re Staying with Friends

Fact of life: summertime is synonymous with vacation. If you decide to skimp on spending by crashing with friends instead of shelling out for a hotel, more power to you! But if you’re traveling as a couple, there’s that all-important question: Is sneaking in a little nookie at your friends’ place fair game? We asked 19 experts on etiquette and modern manners for their thoughts, and they were pretty divided; while three each said a firm yes or no, the rest fell somewhere in between. They pretty much all agree on one thing though: Keeping the sheets clean is a must.

Get It, Girl
“As a guest at someone’s home, discretion in all matters, including sex in the guest room, is paramount. But as a host, if you invite a couple to stay with you, it’s not appropriate to dictate what they do in the privacy of the guest quarters. As long as property is not damaged, the noise level is minimal, and they are displaying a high level of respect to every aspect of your home, I’d suggest the host worry about another matter.” —Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas

“Of course it’s all right. This is the 21st century. Just be respectful and leave everything in better condition than when you arrived. If necessary, this may include washing a load of laundry.” —Jay Remer, Canada’s Etiquette Guy

“I say go for it, but only if you adhere to this one simple rule so that you don’t embarrass yourself or your host: be respectful. This means only become intimate in your bedroom—not the bathroom or kitchen late at night—be quiet, don’t go sneaking off for a quickie when you’re supposed to be helping make dinner, and when you leave their house, insist that you take your sheets off the bed and put them directly into the washing machine yourself. It’s just like when you’re walking in the woods: Leave no trace!” —Aimee Symington, CEO of Finesse Worldwide, Inc. and creator of “Blunders,” a board game on manners for children

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Maybe, Maybe Not
“It depends entirely on the accommodation. Discretion is everything here. If the place where you are staying is private and large enough for you and your partner to have sex without other people finding out about it, why not? Outside of certain very specific situations, like one of the friends having just announced that he has an incurable disease, it seems fine to me. But no moaning or baby talk, please.”—Henry Alford, author of Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That: A Modern Guide to Manners

“Although some rules of etiquette have relaxed in the past 20 to 30 years, being rude or thoughtless will never be in style. Saying that, it depends on the situation and the relationship you have with the host. Clearly, if you are staying with very close friends, you have the privacy—en-suite bathroom, distance from other rooms, etc.—are discreet, change the sheets, clean up after yourselves, it may pass as acceptable. On the other hand, many etiquette experts consider it inappropriate no matter the situation. Even if you wouldn’t mind your guest engaging in sex while visiting you, ‘etiquette’ means you must always consider others. And in this situation, think about how the host would feel.” —Sue Fox, founder of Etiquette Survival and author of Etiquette For Dummies

“If you absolutely can’t wait, just be discreet. You might want to consider if your friend has children. Can you and your partner contain yourselves and be quiet? Be considerate, clean and respectful during your visit.”—Lisa Richey, founder of The American Academy of Etiquette

“It’s best to delay any dalliance for the privacy of your own home for a few reasons. First, your hosts might hear you. It’s simply not pleasant being privy to a couple’s lovemaking. Also, your friend’s kids might hear you. As a kid, it’s bad enough discovering your parents have sex, let alone their friends. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to traumatize the resident little ones. Finally, your host probably won’t be happy having to handle the, ahem, used bedding. That said, if there is a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey on the guest bedside table, you can assume not only is a roll in the hay permissible but encouraged.” —Arden Clise, Seattle-based etiquette expert and president of Clise Etiquette

“Yes, as long as you are 100 percent certain your friend is hooking up, too. If not, it’s not worth the rift it may cause in the relationship when feelings of jealousy and competition arise. If all signals are pointing to go, then remember to keep it down. Avoid squeaky beds, banging headboards, and audible screams of passion. Practice restraint and silent sex. This will increase your chances of a return invitation.” —Lisa Gache, author of Beverly Hills Manners

“If you have very open hosts who don’t mind, it’s fine as long as you keep it very quiet. If you have more old-fashioned or conservative hosts, best to refrain even if they indicate it’s okay.” —Carrie Glenn, founder of Etiquette at Hand

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“Do you have a private space? The host should not stumble upon you while popping into the kitchen for a quick glass of water. Can you be quiet? No one else in the home should know what you are doing, but what happens in the wee hours of the morning is no one’s business but your own. Be sure to strip the bed yourself, bring the sheets to the laundry room, and, if possible, start the laundry yourself.” —Jodi R. R. Smith, founder of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

“There’s a fine line between whether you should have sex at a friend’s place or not, and it has to do with the lifestyle of the friend you’re staying with. If you’re staying with friends who are very traditional in their beliefs in terms of sex before marriage or that sort of thing, you definitely want to refrain from doing so. But if the romance gets going or maybe you’re attempting to get pregnant and it’s the right time, just make sure you don’t make a big thing of it. You don’t want to be swinging from chandeliers or making a lot of ruckus.” —Elaine Swann, lifestyle and etiquette expert

“A couple who is overnighting at the home of a friend—presuming the friend is still in residence and hasn’t given them the place for a private getaway—should respect their host and save the serious lovemaking for when they are back at their own place. If, on the other hand, the space is theirs to enjoy on their own—lucky them!—they should feel far freer when it comes to intimacy but still must be respectful. In particular, to avoid any issue of soiling the host’s bedding, guests bring their own sheets and re-make the bed, as well as being sure to remove duvets, blankets, bolsters, and decorative pillows from the bed before any lovemaking. In both scenarios, the guests should strip the bedding before they depart.” —Mister Manners, Thomas P. Farley, etiquette expert, speaker, and founder of What Manners Most

“The appropriateness depends on three things: First, how long you are staying? If it’s one night, surely you can go without a little nookie for 24 hours, whereas if you are staying for a week—and maybe if you’re newlyweds—the host might understand that there could be some hanky-panky. Next, where exactly are you staying? If you’re on the living room floor on a blow-up mattress and people have to walk through the living room to get to the bathroom, or if you’re in the guest room, which happens to be right next to a child’s bedroom and the walls are thin, best not to be indiscreet. Finally, consider the friend. If he or she just broke up with someone, or if he or she is an ex of either you or your partner, it’s pretty insensitive to make him or her endure your happy romping. Or if the friend is someone who is likely to talk about what he or she might have seen or heard, you may want to think twice before you get busy.” —Lew Bayer, president, Civility Experts Worldwide

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“It depends, but generally the answer is no. Of course, your friend knows that you are having sex with your partner, and maybe you have shared some details. But most friends would prefer not hearing you having sex and would prefer not having to clean up a room where you had sex, even if you are discreet and very clean. Yes applies when you are house-sitting, and maybe is for when you two lovebirds are alone in the house while your host is away. Be careful—you would not want to be caught in the act.” —Julie Blais Comeau, certified etiquette expert, speaker, Sticky Situation blogger, and the author of Etiquette: Confidence Credibility

“This question is a tricky one. The answer depends on the duration of your stay, your relationship with whom you are sleeping, and your relationship with your friend. However, the quick-and-dirty answer is no. If you want to be intimate, rent a hotel room instead. If you are staying at your friend’s house for a few nights, do your best to abstain. If you’re staying for a few weeks or months, then that’s when you might find yourself in a quandary. But should you bring a stranger into your friend’s house and be intimate? Absolutely not. Ask yourself, ‘Would my friend approve of my behavior?’ Your friend may be more lenient if you are sleeping with your spouse or long-time partner.” —Jacqueline Whitmore, etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach

“If the two of you are in a bedroom away from other occupied bedrooms, then what you do is your business. Make sure your actions won’t disturb others, like noise and thumping of the bed on the headboard. If you are sleeping on the sofa in someone’s studio apartment where they are sleeping on a murphy bed a few feet away, get a grip on your sexual desires and hold off until you and your partner are in another location. Having sex while others are so close by is super rude and shows your lack of consideration for your friend.” —Peggy Newfield, etiquette expert, president and founder of The American School Of Protocol

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Heck No!
“Keep your thong on! Although getting hot and heavy with your partner at a friend’s home is not appropriate, it happens. Even if there is a lock on the door and a TV or DVD player available, some sounds are recognizable worldwide.” —Sharon Schweitzer, international etiquette consultant

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“I am not in favor of having sex with your partner while you are a guest in someone’s home. This is something that should be done in the privacy of your own home. When you are someone’s guest, you are sleeping on and using their nice linens. Be respectful of that. If you do decide to have sex, strip the bed and take the soiled sheets to the laundry room before you leave. Better yet, wash them and remake the bed. Another option if you absolutely can’t abstain is to cover the sheets with a towel, but you still need to strip the bed and wash the linens.” —Lydia Ramsey, modern manners and etiquette expert, keynote speaker and author of Manners That Sell

“It’s best if you don’t have sex while staying at a friend’s house and wait until the time is more appropriate. Even if you do it quietly, there’s the possibility of leaving soiled sheets, which I don’t think you want to change and wash the next morning. We are intelligent creatures and can hold our urges until the time is acceptable. Save your self the embarrassment so you will be welcomed back again.” —Mimi Raghian, personal stylist and etiquette consultant