What It Means If Your Partner Masturbates a Lot

No two libidos can be synced up 100 percent of the time. But apparently, when horny, some guys don’t wait until you’re in the shower…or in a different room.

Some will beat their meat while you’re lying right next to them—asleep or not.

“Sleeping Beat-y,” who recently wrote in to Slate.com’s “Dear Prudence” column for advice, learned that the hard way. She says that, while she and her boyfriend of two years are typically on the same page sexually, lately, he’s been more randy than usual. And she’s been stressed with some issues, which has caused her libido to run relatively dry. That’s when she rolled over during the middle of the night—and found him enjoying a sex session for one.

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“I told him I found it gross, and he said that most other people would just join in! Am I wrong for thinking this crosses some sort of politeness barrier?” she asked “Prudence” (a.k.a. Emily Yoffe). “I feel icked out and don’t know what to do.”

Yoffe’s opinion: The woman shouldn’t care. In fact, she should find it flattering. “Your boyfriend was aroused by the nearness of you, and because you’ve made clear you’re not available sexually at the moment, he decided to take care of himself. He was being both flattering and polite.”

No disrespect to Yoffe, but she’s a journalist, not a licensed sex and relationship expert—so we wanted to run the conundrum by someone who is.

The verdict: Masturbation is completely normal and healthy. But in bed next to you? It’s not flattering—it’s narcissistic, says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a Manhattan-based family and addictions therapist. “Narcissists are only concerned with their own gratification,” he says. “They are completely oblivious to the needs and even presence of the people around them.” Like you, lying next to him, trying to sleep.

Yes, “Sleeping Beat-y,” you’re right. Your guy did cross a line. And while Hokemeyer says you probably don’t need to make a big deal about it if this just happens once (after all, with all the blood in his penis, he probably wasn’t thinking straight), you two should talk if he makes a habit of it.

Approach his bedtime habits in a non-shaming, playful way: “Something to the effect of, ‘I couldn’t help notice you were having some fun in bed last night without me,’” says Hokemeyer. It’s an easy way segue into a chat about both the location and frequency of his masturbation sessions.

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Keep in mind that just because he masturbates more than you do, it doesn’t mean he has a problem. According to Indiana University’s National Survey Of Sexual Health And Behavior, 20.1 percent of men ages 25 to 29 get it on with themselves more than four time per week (compared to only five percent of their female counterparts).

“Even once a day can be quite typical for men who are in their twenties or thirties and are in their prime sexually,” says Hokemeyer. Now, if you find out he’s masturbating several times a day—or there are deeper intimacy issues going on—then you would both benefit from seeing a relationship or sex therapist.

“In general, masturbation is a perfectly normal part of our human sexuality,” he says. “It enables us to be connected to our bodies in affirming and healthy ways. A good thing, however, can go too far.”

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